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Strict Standards: Declaration of JParameter::loadSetupFile() should be compatible with JRegistry::loadSetupFile() in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/libraries/joomla/html/parameter.php on line 512

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php:28) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/admintools/admintools/badbehaviour/screener.inc.php on line 9

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Strict Standards: Declaration of JRouterJoomsef::parse() should be compatible with JRouter::parse(&$uri) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 361

Strict Standards: Declaration of JRouterJoomsef::build() should be compatible with JRouter::build($url) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 361

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/ganalyticstrcode/ganalyticstrcode.php on line 32

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/content/fb_tw_plus1/fb_tw_plus1.php on line 43

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527
   
There is a pleasure in being mad, which none but madmen know.
John Dryden, The Spanish Friar
   

FAQ  


Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527
   

Word Cloud  


Strict Standards: Non-static method modJoesWordCloudHelper::getModuleContent() should not be called statically in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_joeswordcloud/mod_joeswordcloud.php on line 18

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_joeswordcloud/helper.php on line 229
   

Latest Additions  


Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527
   

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/content/joocomments/joocomments.php on line 21

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 473

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/content/fb_tw_plus1/fb_tw_plus1.php on line 103

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 212

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 473

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/content/fb_tw_plus1/fb_tw_plus1.php on line 103

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 473

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/content/fb_tw_plus1/fb_tw_plus1.php on line 103

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

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What is It like?

What people say about experiencing Psychosis

Extract from When Angels Cry by David O'Neill


Quote:
"I rise to my feet
Not to run nor to dance
But to move forward again.
That is my triumph."

SHADOWS FADE
I am as a ghost - I see you as through a veil. I hear you as through driving rain. Wherever I am, whatever I do, I remain locked inside this dead zone. I am here, but I am not with you.
I am as a shadow - You see that I am here because you can determine my form, my presence. You stand before me and acknowledge me, but you cannot touch me. You cannot embrace me - nor I you.
I speak to you - of things of the heart and you talk over me with things of your world, houses and cars, holidays and restaurants, of who’s making how much money. I care nothing for these things. I want my soul back. Do you know what it is to live with demons? Do you know what it is for the spirit to cry in torment?
I whisper to you - in quiet desperation, please help me and you reply with okay then, see you at lunch. And it causes me to wonder was I not eloquent enough with my language, is language a sufficient vehicle for these thoughts? Why have I become such an enigma to you?
I am as a shadow - and while the demons reside the world drifts further from my reach. Is it you who appears ghost-like now?
I fade - just as the shadow fades toward the setting of the sun. And I wonder whether a subtle madness lies just beyond the point where darkness falls and shadows disappear.

ANOTHER EPISODE
I am sick again. I have grown so weary of carrying my dignity in the face of this illness. Yet all the while I fight the cancer, the malignant growth of anger that multiplies with every careless word, every thoughtless, selfish deed.
Where once there was passion there is now nothing worth a mere embrace. Where once there was warmth there is now only the chill of aloofness and suspicion.
Energy and strength, once used for progress, is now expended in battle. Wounds, not yet scars, still bleed as I carry myself into the next conflict, the next ambush. Then after each war, when the fight is won, I try to find what it was I had fought for and find it not. There is nothing.
No peace. No reward. No love. No reprieve.
There is only a cautious waiting, a restless eye on the horizon. Wanting sleep yet ever on edge, maintaining a position hardly worthy of the defence, afraid to hope, afraid to dream when all is spent on mere survival. My field of vision reduced to that narrow tract before me from whence I know the next attack will come.

MANIA.
The symptoms were there, that over-excited feeling, that don’t-need-any-sleep syndrome and that sharp, acutely observant mind. My wife had brought this to my attention too, but it just didn’t feel like mania and whilst I acknowledge that it was similar to mania, this experience was distinctly different. There was no flightiness to my thoughts, no sense of getting ahead of myself and jumping prematurely from one subject to another. But most telling was the fact that there wasn’t an underlying irritability. All of my earlier episodes, with their spasms of disjointed and perplexing thoughts, ignited a maddening irritability in me, which these didn’t. And I also know that I couldn’t have sustained an episode of that intensity for long without crashing. In fact every previous manic episode I’d ever had was followed by a massive depression, but this one wasn’t.
Although I understand if you’re now thinking that all this was actually mania and had nothing to do with any genuine spiritual awakening and I confess that I struggled with this for years. Because the synchronicity and illumination eventually slowed and finally ceased altogether and because it proved so elusive, so difficult to retain, I thought for a long time that it was mania. I was also sceptical because I’d stopped taking my medication before it all started, but I’ve since learned that the first rays of enlightenment are as impossible to recapture as a first kiss.
So right about now, you’re either pissing yourself laughing at me, frowning at my lapse in treatment compliance or questioning the authenticity of my story. I’ve already explained how my earlier manic episodes had begun with a rush of intrusive thoughts that were, in the main, trivial and nonsensical, but over time had crystallised into something specific. It’s like listening to a radio that won’t stay on frequency and keeps shifting to other stations, whirring around madly and picking up signals from all over the place, but eventually locking onto the one station I want to listen to, clearly, loudly and without static. Whether this was my doing or whether it’s how this exquisitely mysterious enlightenment stuff works I have no idea.
I can’t help but believe that this illness unlocked a gateway to grander things within, to places I would never have otherwise visited, to visions realised only in moments of what others would call psychosis, but that I would describe as fleeting moments of omniscience. Professionals describe psychosis as being out of touch with reality, but could it also be that it puts us in touch with a reality beyond the realm of ordinary consciousness? Again, all I can tell you is that to this day it all felt genuine and authentic and, delusional or not, it has served me so well. It was the final remedy, the key that opened the door to my recovery.
Think about that for a moment and think about it very carefully. Remember what Peck said, quoted back in chapter thirty-three, and how I told you in the previous chapter about my psychiatrist trying to explain that the bipolar could actually be a positive phenomenon? Go back and read it again because what I’m telling you is very important. You, the reader, have two choices here. Either you’ve decided that this was not mania and that I have had a genuine awakening of spirit or alternatively you’ve decided that this was indeed all mania-inspired and delusional. And if you chose the latter then you will have to accept that the illness, or the symptoms thereof, actually granted me the key to my recovery. You will have to acknowledge that the most significant aspect of my recovery wasn’t medication or any of the things I listed before. It actually was the illness itself. I have come to believe that it was both.

(c) David O'Neill

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Schizophrenic Recovery

I was doing some reading of articles this week and came across a website with the following article about “Schizophrenia Subtypes.” The author of this article has schizophrenia and writes about different subjects of schizophrenia. It is also a place where you can ask questions or comment on article she has written. This article I am talking about today list the five subtypes of schizophrenia and tells their symptoms. It surprised me to learn that paranoid schizophrenics respond to treatment better and have a better outcome. Of course she also mentioned that with all statistics there are exceptions. I have been thinking why do we do better? As I have mentioned in prior blogs, being ill was hell on earth for me. I never want to go through that again! I was sick in jail since April to November, when they finally took me to the State Hospital. I hardly knew anybody while I was there in jail. I had money while I was there. Although I was too paranoid to spend it, I thought if I signed my name to the papers to buy commissary. They would just steal my name. I was a smoker at that time but I did not buy cigarettes for about six of the months while I was there. That is not the only reason it was so bad. I was not of a sound mind to hold a conversation with nobody. I kept to myself and also my delusions. To have paranoia in jail is hard. I know that is one reason I recovered. I would never want to go through that again. Just having delusions was hard enough if I would have heard voices I do not know how hard that would have been.

Source: mental-health-recovery.blogspot.com

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Michael Nanai’s Story

Michael Nanai’s Story

My Name is Michael. I am 39 years of age and come from a New Zealand born Samoan, part Tongan heritage. What I learned about myself was that when I was a child I was more or less an auditory learner, with a ‘hands on’ approach. When asked to tell my story I leaped at the chance. I have so much too tell! So as a young boy I always day dreamed…a lot. I cherish those feelings and emotions because they were sweet, carefree and innocent, curious and always optimistic. Always wondering what will happen next? This was short lived and stolen from me when I was 8 or 9. I’m not quite sure when but I get confused when I try to pinpoint it in my own mind?

I was the eldest of my siblings and I was forced to give oral sex to an adopted cousin in my Grand Aunt’s family. The act itself was completely alien and foreign to me. As a child I thought that this is what was done? I was naïve and gullible at this time because I didn’t know any better. I said nothing. After a year went by being forced to do these horrid acts, the secrets I was forced to keep later manifested themselves to be quite retarding in my own emotional and personal growth. I grew to hate this person over the years. I just wanted to kill him and I still do at times! My father and mother were completely unaware what had happened to my brother and I for many years till I finally told them. I have memories of my Grand Aunt ripping my mother’s hair and whilst holding my mum’s head by a clump of it and then tossing her down 10 flights of stairs.

I remember my mother telling me stories about when her Grandfather, a 7ft Tongan nobleman, migrated to Samoa. Thus centuries of war against each other left relationships between the twoislands in a mortal rift with a lot of deep wounds and bad blood, this left a generational apathy which still remains between them both making them weary of each other. In those days when my mother was growing up they were treated very poorly because they were part Tongan/ German. Tongan Dogs they were called and this form of prejudice or ethno centric behaviour grew to change over time as well. My father supported my mother’s family financially supplementing their income because they were providing accommodation etc. In our culture it has an element of hierarchal distribution where the chiefs down to the heads of family share or give to those who are needier as a form of respect. This also involved a traditional respecting of elders and older members of your family and bearing gifts, money or food was also a sign of social cohesion.

My abuser was Catholic and my mother seems to think he had it done to him at Boarding School. I attended church every Sunday and was originally an Orthodox Presbyterian. I was comforted having a good experience which added a new found respect for other religions and cultures including my own. I found this to be quite fascinating. When attending Primary School the minister’s wife would come along to our classes and sing Christian songs. In this period of Primary School I never knew I was going to be learning lessons about sadistic racist attitudes coupled with riveting and inspiring stories about history!

I used to look after my mother a lot because she was always sick and as of consequence I would be late for class sometimes. My teacher one day just walked up to me and said “Hit me, hit me!” I said nothing. He then exclaimed “I can tie one arm behind my back, blindfold myself and still beat you”. He made me sit in class with no one allowed to speak to me and I wasn’t allowed to do any school work for a whole year. He also strapped me at his leisure. He was excluding me from learning and he had issues around my ethnicity. I don’t know why I didn’t tell my father but I knew if I did he would have lopped his head off with a machete! I guess I could have handled it and I knew my father would end up in Prison! I know I was somewhat mature in my response to the manner I was treated and, as a child growing up, my father would keep his father’s picture in pride of place on our walls. This was who I was to be measured by, one of the few to be appointed to the bar of judges since gaining our independence from the Commonwealth.

Two unseen forces were impacting on me. The hatred of my own Culture and of Catholics and the ill treatment we received from extended family. Physical discipline was a means of teaching respect for the breadwinners or those who come of age and are expected to lead. The other was the gloomy future after experiencing racism, physical and sexual abuse at a young age. My grandfather belted me and I was arguing with him over what had been arranged prior to him having to looking after me.

I knew my mother was deeply saddened and hurt by her father remarrying and somehow this was transferred to me because my mother would seek my counsel because I was quite rational and logical about domestic disputes concerning our family? I never forgot that beating so one day when he and his new family were asleep, I covered all the gaps in the door and closed all the windows. I then turned on all the gas cookers and took all their empty bottles to the shop so I could get a refund to buy lollies. My brother had no idea what I was doing. After an hour I came back only to find my mother and father were there. My mother had a horrified expression on her face and said “look”. People say hatred burns you out shortens your life; for me it was a case of being patient and feeling I had put right a wrong? Revenge for a young man like me at the time was quite inflating for my ego and honourable in the sense I did this for the sake of my mother and myself!

As I was nearing my teens I had to endure the blue collared type of attitudes most kids in my neighborhood endured. Hearing and knowing everyone’s personal business. Domestic violence and drunkenness. Wife beatings and kids being beaten. Men worked hard, came home and abused their wives, ate well and drank hard, and if you were lucky you would get into a fight or brawl at the end of the night to consolidate your place amongst your mates; this is what it was to be a man but these were not the best of fathers. I remember a time when all the neighbourhood kids would get together to play long ball or build huts and castles at the local park with scrap materials that would get dumped there. Hunting for eels to smoke and eat. One night my father had his band practice at home and I was the envy of all my friends. All the kids piled into our humble small house to listen to the music.

I use to mediate arguments between my parents and I respected my father for being so modern in allowing us to have input as children when there was a crisis. He was very democratic and forward thinking, whilst at the same time very proud. It was hard growing up always being compared to your cousins who were doing very well. It made me feel I wasn’t good enough and inadequate but this I always kept to myself. I just wanted my father to be proud of me. This was the dusk of my childhood before entering my turbulent teens.

The testosterone was raging for most of my rebellious friends, but for me it was a quiet solitude of headspace I was in. As I was in this phase of life I wasn’t bothered by anything, disturbed by any inconveniences, mishaps or traumas. I took up Martial Arts (Kempo Karate Bushido Ryu). I was learning self discipline and how to defend myself. When I went from White belt to Yellow belt I had to fight a 1st Dan Black Belt. I knocked him out and on the floor in 5 or 6 seconds. My life seemed empty in this stage of my life and I was developing an interest in the fairer sex.. I was so screwed up because I was struggling with my own sexuality so later on experimented. We were both in our teens and he was about 2 or 3 years younger. It was at that point I knew I was not Gay. I am still friends with my first ever girlfriend who had similar abuse issues to myself.

The Maoris use to call us coconuts or Boongas. Some still do today. Maoris were called Horys by the Anglos and Horys would call the Anglos Honkeys. This was a fact of life! I personally thought of it as a joke! As I got older the more experiences around racism or prejudice and indifference were rife. Our national code to be the best Rugby nation in the world was quite evident when watching the protesters against apartheid at a All Black and South African Match disappointed at our then Liberal Government not intervening to boycott these games. It was good to see that we had people who were passionate about Human Rights abuses but what about the insidious layer in the mainstream character of the country we lived in? I think this “she’ll be right mate “ attitude we had in those days was more a humorous way of making distinctions of how each culture tolerates another.

I was starting to see a generation of New Zealand born Islanders trying desperately to hold on to their culture for fear of losing their identity. The adoption of the Maori culture was quite significant because Samoans are of a Warrior Cast and it was not dissimilar in attitudes and mentalities that Maoris had at the time. Nowadays Islanders are in most of the traditional Maori national gangs in NZ including my youngest brother.

I played professionally in Rugby League and Amateur Rugby before it became professional. Jonah Lomu got his first contract with my club Weymouth RFC straight out of school after I had left. I then met my first wife who didn’t support me much in my sporting career. I chose to sacrifice my career for a future with her. I worked hard and the hard times got harder under the New Zealand equivalent of work choices when it was introduced. No protection anywhere for common workers’ rights and conditions. They were sold down the river for a higher annual pay rise. I had to become more flexible and adaptable so I tried my hand at running a small business where I eventually had 3 courier franchises.

It was at this time in my life where I think I had my first episode of psychosis. I thought it was a breakdown and it was of sorts. I use to smoke cannabis recreationally unlike my friends whose lifestyles incorporated it everyday. The music and culture of reggae was very strong at one point where most Islanders and Maoris use to associate their current hardships with being oppressed by the man and the system.

When my first wife was climbing the corporate ladder her behaviour and attitude changed towards me. I had a gut feeling that something was going on but no matter how much I tried to pleaded with her to talk and try to resolve matters…she remained cold towards me. It was like “I’m too good for you” and it was a kind of defiance that rattled me to my core making me feel like a nobody. My drinking started to increase and I started smoking more cannabis. Our housing trust home had thin walls and I could hear everybody around me. I was feeling I was hurtling out of control! This went on for a few weeks she would go out at night wearing her best casual outfits after losing a lot of weight at her company gym. She would put her face on and all the female wares needed to fulfil her plans for the evening. One night I just confronted her and asked, “are you seeing someone else?” She just gave me the silent treatment. Her mother whom we lived with would tell me nothing, being the bloody gossip bag that she was! All this pressure started to build up in my head. I was frantic about trying to save my marriage.

I could hear the neighbours gossiping and would yell out and swear at them. I was convinced that my neighbours were spying on us. I often use to answer them when rebutting conversations relevant to me. It got really bad to the point where I was arrested and taken to my family home. I could hear voices condemning me. All I could think was what did I do to deserve this. I was overall a good son, brother and husband. She then rang me a week or two later stating she was pregnant and said she wasn’t sure whose it was. She wouldn’t hear of having a DNA test.

The person she was having the affair with was a Maori guy who was known in the neighbourhood as some cool cat who had women all over him and known for playing guitar with his Slash type hairstyle. I loved her all the same and I was willing to do anything to win her back. When she told me I was weeping for a whole week wishing and praying for his death. I even saw some spiritualist to try and curse him. By the end of the week he died in a car crash. Oh how they mourned. Far be it for me to speak ill of the dead but I thought this would be an opportune time to reconcile.

She moved into her own place right across from his family home. I was a treated like a visitor and everyone was treating her as the last incubator of his last legacy. I felt pathetic like some peasant who was a distant relation. The harassing voices continued. I had approached a mental health service where I thought I could manipulate them so I could reconcile with my wife. This is how I eventually gained entry to her new residence. A lot of my personal friends hated her and were shocked at how she reduced me to a snivelling and grovelling mess. She told me some time later the little girl was mine. For years she said it wasn’t mine and then she would change her mind when it suited her or when there was some financial gain from saying yea or nay.

Rumours were all about; about my sexuality, that I was some deviant. I manipulated mental health services in New Zealand so that I could reconcile with my wife and start over. How I went about this was I always self sabotaged myself by ruining anything that would destroy the good image or memories of achievements that I had fulfilled. In this case of my ex-wife I self sabotaged myself once again not for pity but out of desperation to keep my minds eye of a less than perfect life. The Anglos in New Zealand were racist towards me because of this but I was use to it. The on-going rumours and gossip that followed, a letter I wrote mysteriously disappeared.

After exhausting my efforts to get my property back. I was confiding in a so called mentor and friend who happened to be my coach and an ex-copper. He gave it to Mental Health Services and then the on-going gossiping about me continued. It has been almost 12 years since my first episode but I know that if push came to shove I would sue them for every last penny they had! They accept no accountability for the trauma they have caused me nor have they assisted or supported me in recovery of sexual abuse, racism, education discrimination and not to mention the array of human rights abuses. They are insignificant scared little people who have the mentality of sheep. It’s interesting how a double Whammy like sexual abuse, other traumas and racism have studies that all prove that it contributes to schizophrenia.

My neighbours and my ex-wife represent the ignorance of white people and how they view people who are dark like myself with culture different from themselves as inferior. Patronizing behaviours and paternalistic even find this to be the case with clinicians who think they know what recovery means! Over the years I have been suicidal over the attempted murder of my Grandfather and sexual abuse. I have reconciled these feelings a long time ago and human nature such as it never seems to surprise me how it will always repeat history. I could write on forever about my laymen theories about sociology, philosophy, etc, but I won’t! I would have delusions despite believing them at the time that it was a mix of echolalia and thought broadcasting as the clinicians in mental health would call it. I called it newspeak, a form of communication which gave license to the person who could use it in conjunction with a wide variety of media, be it a single transmitter/ receiver then being relayed to a radio station or television live screening. It was the silent form of communication where thoughts like an ongoing tic that a person has with Tourette’s but without the abuse. There is no description for the machinations I use to think especially when I use to do Nasal Palatialing.

In my own mind I had done great things for the world and I was certainly shaped by the experiences of others especially when I was homeless in Brisbane living in and around the red light district of Fortitude Valley. In and out of SRFs, redneck coppers trying to do drug busts. When I arrived in Australia John Howard had just become Prime Minister. Now that he’s gone I feel like I’m full circle and I can grow. I travelled around and met a lot people who have made meaningful contributions to what the real people are doing. In the Salvo’s homeless shelter I loved playing chess with all these men and everyone was dignified despite their circumstances. They still had standards and they would want you to know it. I was so accustomed to pride that in the end I just had to swallow it. Homeless, Drug Addicts, Mentally ill or possibly one person having a co-morbid condition or situation of all three. These were people with stories and I loved learning from these people who have been stuck in limbo or fallen from grace like the Choir of Hard Knocks. This opened my eyes to better self management. Improving your self-esteem when you feel you are insignificant, seeing yourself with a world view all your own or with others who can help shape it makes good sense to me.

Anyway I don’t want to ramble on too much. I met a lovely woman in Queensland and we chatted about mental health amongst other things and from there we’ve been together ever since. I later became paranoid that someone was going to kill me but I had good grounds for this which landed me in the Witness Protection Program prior to travelling to Queensland. Anyway I held my partner hostage in a verbally threatening way whilst on holidays. I took the car and sped 400 kilometres from Coffin Bay to Whyalla. I had been drinking all night and I finished a bottle of whiskey by the time I had arrived at the beach. I got into a car accident. I checked the occupants then used the nearest household’s phone. I rang the Federal Police and was quoting Protocols and procedures of a 1503 or 1508 under the international covenant of political and civil rights. The State Police burst in shouting at me to put down the phone. I told them I was on the phone to the Feds. They threatened to shoot and were gesturing to pull out their guns, I put down the phone and they hand cuffed me. They then booked me for drink driving and took me to the ED.

No one wanted to listen to what I had to say but for me mental health services were the enemy and my nemesis. I was co-operative and I was under the impression I was going to catch a bus home. Yes I was under the influence of alcohol but I certainly wasn’t a threat to anyone or myself. They acuphased me twice and the Royal Flying Doctors service flew me to the Royal Adelaide Hospital where I was then transferred to a locked acute in-patient setting called Brentwood at the archaic Glenside Hospital. All I could think was these b*stards finally got me. I felt they were judging me because I was dark and 6ft 2 with a solid build. Despite being compliant and confused.

These days I teach recovery based groups at the Royal Adelaide Hospital. I’m a pro-active consumer. I do a lot. My latest job I do community rehab work in a Community Rehab Centre with a recovery focus. I am currently accepted to study a Grad Dip in Mental Health Sciences. I’m happily married with children. Life has given me the riches of experiences unique only to me. “I know who I am and have always believed that my life is a continuum of experiences that contribute to the better part of me for better or worse. It shapes who I am and this I believe is life!” My life is full and I don’t need much more than to ensure I’m well for my sake and the sake of my family, friends and peers. I’ve been living in the streets when I was in my early teens. I have been homeless. I use to take illicit drugs. I’ve been educationally, culturally discriminated against including with my disability. I’ve been sexually abused. I have been severely beaten on a number of occasions. I have been on the witness protection program. I have been divorced. I have been forcibly drugged. I have been put in seclusion unjustly. My human rights have been trampled since the day I could conceive it wasn’t meant to be this way. I am satisfied with my life now and for all the pain and grief I have been through, its good to know that only I could have endured it! I’m pretty sure there would be other people who would not be so fortunate to survive!

Furthermore whilst I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia and have components of anxiety and stress related factors which exacerbate my symptoms. It is an on-going challenge. I self-manage reasonably well and often I find myself questioning whether I need to be taking anti-psychotic medication? This is of course can be complacency on my part to feel as though the need for medication has now ceased because I am feeling as ‘normal’ as everybody else and why bother?

If I was to go down this road of not being compliant with my medication I am lulled in a false sense of security because I start to experience negative symptoms and being a little stubborn about this I would persevere with self managing not really conscious of the fact that I am very close to relapsing and becoming psychotic.

Mental Health Fields are pushing client centred care and recovery oriented principles in care with Consumers but due to this their seems to be a significant proportion of us who are high functioning and can maintain a living standard in which we can be happy with. I guess it’s just good to know that the case management is now changing for the better and consumer focus is the priority of most clinicians who assist us.

Its is a very delicate balance when you are detained in an acute inpatient setting especially if you relapse and become psychotic? The mentality of institution for consumers when detained is still rife. Feeling disempowered and having an “us and them” attitude only represents the actual circumstances they are in due to detention. It is a level of acute care but at the centre of it there is no client focus other that what seems like a patronizing and disrespect of the differential of power between the clinician and the consumer. One would hope that this will change.

I maintain that duty of care is important every assessment of individualized care is important but humanity should be at the core of it all! It is unfortunate the system as it is does nothing to offer autonomy where your simple freedoms are violated i.e. freedom of movement, freedom of speech, freedom of association…who knows when we will get to a time when the system and its policies aimed at care for consumers addresses the imbalance it so obviously reflects in actual practice?


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Black Swans Story

Black Swans Story

I guess by the age of five issues were already present with life’s trauma’s and a disability of hips dysplasia, and family issues that were never spoken of. By school age I was already behind most school entry requirements, also had a speech impediment problem and undiagnosed dyslexia, with communication issues. I came from a strict up bringing and later the eldest of 6 offspring.

I also came from an era of denial, if we chose not to remember it then it never really happened, or if we admit to anything then we adults would be admitting to failure. Children should be seen and not heard, and the adults were always right!

I suppose you could call it the neglect era, in one sense we were looked after well when it came to clothing, schooling and the providing of material things in a middle class to low income family. But no one looked at the mental health side of things; even physical disabilities were disowned, like my father put my not walking down to laziness, in fact most things back then was put down to laziness, but operations later proved different so he disowned me, but that did not stop me from insisting I was a daddy’s girl. And we were disciplined and punished when required even though sometimes it was a little on the extreme side.

At one time the education department sent me to a counselor outside of the school and he spoke over my head to my mother as if I was not in the room and then sent me out of the room, he told her I needed more beltings, she thought she was already dishing out enough beltings. At this stage I was diagnosed as a problem child and everything was my fault and issue. My school levels were always poor and I had panic attacks every single day of my life as a child and teenager, often these panic attacks got me into a lot of trouble as nobody understood the trauma I was experiencing and I was unable to communicate with anyone as I did not understand myself and no one had a name for it.

When still young I remember running away from school to my nanas, in the mean time my father turned up at school to find me not there, while he headed to my nanas I had bailed myself up between the shed and fence with a knife threatening to take my own life if l was made to go back to school or to go home, and threatened to kill my aunty if she came near me, I was only 8 at the time.

One time when 15 my attacks were so sever I was taken to a female Indian doctor. In tears I tried to explain what was happening and she wanted to do an internal on me, Say what! As a virgin and never ever had one before I refused and thought what a bunch of bone heads, what does an internal have to do with what I was experiencing, in reality my nerves were shot since before school entry, but no one knew that.

I was given a bottle of blue pills for depression, only weeks later after a family row; I took the whole bottle and went to bed expecting to never wake up. Until morning when I was woken and it was noticed immediately I had taken an overdose, yet still driven to work as groggy as I was, needless to say I lost my job that day.

My parents had broken up when I was 14 and I took that very hard, and still suffered from PTSD after my baby brother was a cot death victim when he was 5 months old and I was 10, we children were not allowed to grieve and was sent to school the next day as if nothing had happened, I remember collapsing in my teachers arms and 5 minutes later schooling continued as if nothing happened. I suppose mum did her best in raising 6 children alone, but she was very stubborn and too proud and very much into her religion. She was a victim of child sex abuse by her stepfather as with most of her siblings after her own father died while she was young, and I often felt she took her frustrations out on me. There was some violence and aggression between my parents with me becoming between them, I thought I was protecting my parents and my siblings and would deeply become traumatized by it, but often ended up the one being punished for my troubles.

I was easy manipulated as a child by authority figures that always sparked a reaction from me, and often got blamed for things even if it was not my doing or there was an explanation, and no one believed anything I said even when it was the truth. I grew up doubting myself, and life was just a dream.

I didn’t get along with my family and the same for school, and grew up mostly a loner, I took comfort in pretending I was like my hero’s, like Suzi Q or Elvis, I often disassociated myself as a female and took on the role as a male. I dressed and acted as a true blue tomboy and loved doing male things. I liked sports and music but was not allowed to take part in these things.

When still 15 I went to live with my father and his new family and shortly later took another overdose, only this time with a cocktail of alcohol. Once again medical attention was denied. We then traveled up north and I along with one of my stepbrothers was in the caravan when it over turned. Not long later I got in a drunken brawl with my father and was smashed to the pulp.

I then came back to Adelaide where soon after my life on the streets began at age 16. I fretted for my siblings and missed them deeply especially the younger ones, but they never knew how much I pined for them and often cried for them, but I could not go back to something that never was.

Even though a loner on the streets, I never really hung out with any gangs; I endured bashings and rape after bashings and rape. Slept on benches in parks and behind shops or on the steps of pubs, and hitched hiked around Australia. There were times I got no centrelink payments or someone would claim for me and then abandon me taking off with the money as back then only one partner would get the money, I would go weeks without a bite to eat or seeing a shower.

I led a life as a zombie, a nomad that roamed the planet and often doctor shop for pills to keep me in the zombie state, anything was better than reality, I continued to play the game of Russian roulette and did not care. By 17 I was full on into the pills and alcohol and smoked a little dope, and even gained a tattoo or two. I portrayed the tough person I was in fact not, I did not take big time drugs as my family and others portrayed of me, in fact I had a phobia to needles and always had due to my younger years experiences.

My first experience of mental health institution was at 17 in one of the first places to close down, which was somewhere in Enfield SA after yet another overdose. I spent some weeks there before being released. Not long later after a drunken episode and another family brawl I found myself facing jail, in reality I hadn’t even committed a crime, I was just out of control and wished I was dead. Now how can that be a crime, my mother kept yelling at me and told me I should have been the one dead instead of my baby brother, so her wish was my command as I reached for a knife from a draw to take my own life, only she struggled with me and the knife and I threatened to kill her if she tried to stop me, as she instructed a sibling to call the police, they all told the same story, I tried to kill my mother and to this day they stick to that story. So I gained my first police record to which is still on record to this very day.

I had my first child a daughter by 18 and soon married a guy from Melbourne and not the father of my child. Once again I endured bashings and rape after bashings and rapes, (I came close to death while carrying my baby as my body did not cope well and the traumas of life was taking its toll), and when my husband could no longer hurt me anymore he then started on my daughter. That only lasted 3 ½ years before I finally got the courage to walk away with the help of a new boy friend.

I divorced my ex and remarried (jumped from the frying pan into the fire) this one was an alcoholic and again I endured many bashings. During my second marriage I ended up back in the mental health system and this time I soon learnt what detained meant as I tried to escape a few times. I went to Hillcrest, to Woodleigh House, to Glenside and even to Noarlunga. My first diagnosis was in my twenties which was manic depressive disorder and I was placed on Lithium.

Over many years I had also endured a number of operations for different reasons. I went from problem child, to delinquent, to drug addict, to manic depressive disorder, to post traumatic disorder, to schizophrenia, to depressive disorder, back to post traumatic disorder, to borderline personality disorder, back to bipolar (formerly manic depressive disorder) and twice through undiagnosed postnatal depression.

I told my husband he would be the death of me, soon my marriage ended and he contributed to the death of his next girlfriend not long after. After my second marriage ended I had died inside, as many times before and this time I reached for the needle forgetting about my fear of injections and ended up on heroin. I did not care once again, and discovered I had at some point in my life come into contact with hepatitis B and only had the antibody, I learnt I was not a carrier and the doctor told me I must have done something right in my life. I did learn it was not through injecting drugs as I had just started at the time, and it could have been through the many rapes or my first ex who I later found out had used needles, but I also was told by the Hepatitis C council it could have even been through blood transfusion as a toddler, I guess we will never know.

My second daughter came a long in the early 90s when my eldest was 10.

By the time my eldest daughter was 13 she had ran away from home over me trying to keep her away from an older boy who had lured her through his music and religion, I tried so hard to get her back home

My family stepped in and took my youngest child away when she was 4 ½. After the investigation by welfare they admitted amongst my many issues I was still a caring mother, and I had plenty of evidence to prove I could still take care of my child, and I was very much involved in both of my girls schooling and got on well with their teachers as I often helped out at the schools. The welfare said I could have my daughter back, only when I went to get her my family had shot through with her.

After I lost my child, both she and I had a broken heart and I had nothing else to lose, nothing left to be taken away from me, all I ever had in life had been stripped from me. So I left the state and hitch hiked around again as I lived on the streets and I climbed the ladder once again as I picked up seasonal work here and there. I went cold turkey from drugs on my own with no help from any one.

I ended up in a psych hospital in NSW somewhere and in another in Mildura, I spent a number of months in Mildura drugged to the eyeball, and went through many tests, to find I had an ulcer, hiatus hernia and endured a hysterectomy and still homeless.

During this time in life I got up the courage to finally teach myself how to drive and gave myself a new found independence I never new I had. And even scored a job on a mine for a while as I bunny hoped around the mine and big trucks in the company car, but my car soon failed me and left me stranded with no choice but to leave town as my transport was also my home.

Back in Adelaide one of my former Psychiatrists from one of the hospitals took an interest in me and tried to make sense of me (gee I couldn’t even make sense of me). And he played silly little games to try and get me to open up to him. There were times I was detained, and times transferred to tighter security, at times I was drugged to the eyeballs and times I was kicked out and times I was band from the hospital. Nothing he tried seemed to work, nothing got through to me, until he found out I was on drugs again when he finally gave up and told me to never return as there was no hope for me. I believe he left and now specializes in children mental health and prevention. If only he could see me now and how far I have come all on my own merits.

I tried many times to get my daughter back and even promised her when she begged me, and was told when I got my home I could, but people lie, my family kept manipulating me to think no one would allow it as I was mental, I was weak and I couldn’t cope and no one would believe me.

The laws changed and unless I was a criminal I was not entitled to a lawyer, and even though my family only had interim custody they manipulated me, her school and everyone to believe they had full custody. They cut me out of her life so many times, never asked for permission for anything and never involved me in her upbringing, often they spoke for me and thought for me, and jumped to their own conclusions, while putting me down to my children in front of me and behind my back and to anyone who would listen and believe them.

Until they removed her we both had a special bond and were inseparable, when they took her it was like her going to strangers as she hardly knew them.

It is hard for a mother and daughter to be torn out of each others arms with both screaming for mercy, people think they are helping you when in fact their controlling is destroying you inside and out. My daughter is her own person now and in high school with an out of school hour’s job and a hell of an attitude like her mother.

In 2002 my youngest brother 26 took his own life, he was a proud man and broke up with me over attempting the very same thing that ended his life, some things in life just do not make sense or add up.

I have climb the ladder once more, off drugs, rarely drink, a student going for my Cert 1V in mental health non clinical, work one day a week for an organization and volunteer for another. I have taught myself all computer skills thanks to the kind heart of a close male friend who has been my savior over the past four years. I have implemented strategies that are being used in the training of other consumers and helped many other consumers to recovery. I am also teaching myself filming and cutting and editing and have already put together two DVDs one of a TheMHS conference and one of a mental health music project of its final performance. I am now working on my biggest project which is still in the making and will involve over 100 people.

I have had Government Mental Health services and their hidden consumer workers breech my privacy in a very bad way including making many phone calls about me with their own versions and no facts to back them up and when caught out they passed the buck and blamed an unwell consumer refusing to apologize and undoing the damage they did.

When I was on probation at 17 I had a lovely probation officer, she took an interest in me and we got along well, she found me honest and cooperative, and worked in with my family. But when my probation ended after only a couple of weeks so did this support and I faded away back into the system and troublesome times, this is when I discovered I was pregnant.

When my eldest child was 5 she accidentally splashed aftershave in her eyes as she was trying to copy my second husband. But a mental health consumer and now former friend was present at the time and in another room, falsely rang the welfare and told them my husband threw it in her eyes, she did not witness this as it did not happen.

The welfare was hell bent on trying to take away my child and called in my mother, a female school principle and an expert child psychologist, and I called in an alcohol counselor who I saw at the time over my husbands drinking. My husband sat in silence while all the women fired questions at me and put me down and gave me the third degree over and over until the male counselor pointed the finger at them and told them to back off and I should not be the one punished over my husband’s alcoholism.

After the meeting another expert child psychologist was called in and guess who it was, my old probation officer, well did she flip her lid and told all the women b*tches to but out of my life and stop playing off me and my child and to stop integrating my child behind my back and putting words into her mouth. She took on the case alone and weeks later told me she was closing the case as at all times I was cooperative and tried out everything she suggested and at all times my home was spotless and she could see her own reflection in my kitchen tiles and my child was well cared for. She also told me she was leaving the system as she did not like the way it was heading. The system lost one of their best workers ever to exist as she moved on.

There were not many good people I came across in my life time, and the very few I

did find did not last, all the good workers either left or where moved on to different offices. I never had stable regular support, and there was always some one different, people who did not know you, and people who did not know the real story or the facts, people who lied, people who were judgmental and bias and people who jumped to their own conclusion and made up their own scenario; people who were experts at manipulation and those who played of others and those who passed the buck and pointed fingers and blamed others.

Many times I made phone calls, and many times I begged and many times I jumped up and down crying for support and every time I was ignored.

One good thing that has come out of my training is I now see both sides of things, as a consumer studying other consumers, and as a consumer studying the services and I don’t like it one little bit. Everyone is manipulating everyone and playing of each other and I am not just talking about the consumers, these services that claim to be experienced professionals are professionals alright, professionals at everything I mentioned above!

Realistic support needs to be available, regular support needs to be there, and stick to the same people instead of chopping and changing staff, if staff are appreciated and treated with respect then they may stay on longer. If you get a real bonza of a worker, then recognize it when it comes a long and you may keep your staff longer, do anything in your power to keep them there, and if they are very successful where they are, then leave them there, don’t send them else where leaving their clients to fade away back into the system and up sh*t creek without a paddle.

If I had support as a child, or a teen and an adult then I would not have gone through as much as I had, there was no one to talk to, no one who understood, no one to turn to. Sure there were people and family, but only to interfere, to control you and tell you what to do, how to live, and if you did not do their thing their way, then you were no good in their eyes, you were a disappointment, you were evil and bad. But in reality you were none of those things, you were just some fading statistic that spent a life time crying out for help, and no body heard you.

Even though I have been recovering for four years, I at times still cry out for help, but mostly in silence now, because in reality I know that help will never come, not before, not now, and not in this life time.

A year and a half ago I had major surgery and was sent home four days later with 80 stitches from hip to hip, three gaping wounds and in shock, I had to take care of myself and had no visitors and no get well phone calls from any of the services I was involved in as a volunteer, both Non-Government Organisations and government, yep I was abandoned, as good as dead! In four years as a volunteer I was never sent to a volunteer’s luncheon by any of them. I felt, exploited, used, chewed up and spat out. They say you get out what you put in; well I just keep giving and giving, so when will I get out of it what I put in?

I have always been on my own, I am still on my own, and I guess I will always be on my own, so when my project is finished then I too will be moving on, I don’t want to stay in mental health as a consumer or a worker, because nothing has changed, and I am still one who has slipped through the system. Yeah sure mental health needs me, only my ideas and strategies that they can steal from me and exploit me to make a name for themselves, see they are still manipulating us, but are they there when I need them? Think again!

And they wonder where I get my F***** Attitude from!

I have come to recovery through my own merits and not through the merits of the recovery module. I have one hell of an attitude and trust no body (why should I). I refuse to bow down to the recovery module and its controllers in the system and because I am an independent recovering on my own merits they don’t want to know me and even go as far as stealing my own strategies and stripping all credit away from me, where Non-Government Organisations acknowledge me, and ask for my approval to use my work and thank me. I never say no to them and am proud of what I have accomplished and that I am able to assist others. But the government workers just take what they want when they want and then use it to make a name for themselves. To all you government workers who fit this description, let it be known that we know who you are and what your game is and you are also known throughout the community amongst Non-Government Organisations also. If you want a name for yourselves then you will get one, but not the one you expect!

The recovery module is falsely leading consumers to believe they are recovering while those steering the module are really the ones in control not the consumers who mistakenly think they are now in control of their own lives.

People have been manipulating me and controlling me all my life, but no more, the buck stops right here. I am in control of my life now and no one or module is ever going to control me ever again. I am a consumer and I am for the consumers, I am an independent, and have one hell of a determination about me that has some how kept me a live all these years. I have an illness like any other illness; I have different side affects and different reactions and symptoms.

But overall I am me, I am unique and I am original, I am not a fake, and what you see is what you get. I am a struggler, I am a battler, I am not and never have been a criminal (even though with a small record) and I have a bad credit rating even though I owe not a cent to a living sole, I have never been in debt, and never been kicked out of the only two housing trust I have rented.

And I have never told my full story before, my life saddens me and I still cry when I try to write about it and always delete my writing of it, and telling my story also contributes to my becoming unwell, because of this when I do presentations I prefer on tell others how far I have come in four years instead of where I have come from.

My life made me what I am today, a stronger person and a smellier attitude. Some people say we have choices in life, well to those people, some times we don’t have choices in life and some times it is the way the cookie crumbles. If someone tells you they have terminal cancer and are dying, what are you going to say to them, we have choices to live or die?

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'Our Heidi'; She sings our hearts.

Australia's own Heidi Everett. Many of us find her songs say things we've been trying to express for years. 

For more, see 

http://www.youtube.com/user/skybeanz

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Hearing voices.

Hearing voices.

What is it like to hear voices? Is it like someone actually talking to you? Is it like in the movies, were you hear an echo when "it" is talking to you? I also saw in an episode of Law & Order that you only hear voices in one ear, not both. Also, what was it

http://www.psychforums.com/schizophrenia/topic27071-30.html#p502550

Source: www.psychforums.com

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Listening to Madness

Listening to Madness

http://www.newsweek.com/2009/05/01/listening-to-madness.html

Why some mentally ill patients are rejecting their medication and making the case for 'mad pride.'

We don't want to be normal," Will Hall tells me. The 43-year-old has been diagnosed as schizophrenic, and doctors have prescribed antipsychotic medication for him. But Hall would rather value his mentally extreme states than try to suppress them, so he doesn't take his meds. Instead, he practices yoga and avoids coffee and sugar. He is delicate and thin, with dark plum polish on his fingernails and black fashion sneakers on his feet, his half Native American ancestry evident in his dark hair and dark eyes. Cultivated and charismatic, he is also unusually energetic, so much so that he seems to be vibrating even when sitting still.

I met Hall one night at the offices of the Icarus Project in Manhattan. He became a leader of the group—a "mad pride" collective—in 2005 as a way to promote the idea that mental-health diagnoses like bipolar disorder are "dangerous gifts" rather than illnesses. While we talked, members of the group—Icaristas, as they call themselves—scurried around in the purple-painted office, collating mad-pride fliers. Hall explained how the medical establishment has for too long relied heavily on medication and repression of behavior of those deemed "not normal." Icarus and groups like it are challenging the science that psychiatry says is on its side. Hall believes that psychiatrists are prone to making arbitrary distinctions between "crazy" and "healthy," and to using medication as tranquilizers.

"For most people, it used to be, 'Mental illness is a disease—here is a pill you take for it'," says Hall. "Now that's breaking down." Indeed, Hall came of age in the era of the book "Listening to Prozac." He initially took Prozac after it was prescribed to him for depression in 1990. But he was not simply depressed, and he soon had a manic reaction to Prozac, a not uncommon side effect. In his frenetic state, Hall went on to lose a job at an environmental organization. He soon descended into poverty and started to hear furious voices in his head; he walked the streets of San Francisco night after night, but the voices never quieted. Eventually, he went to a mental-health clinic and was swiftly locked up. Soon after, he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He was put in restraints and hospitalized against his will, he says. For the next year, he bounced in and out of a public psychiatric hospital that he likens to a prison. The humiliation and what he experienced as the failure of the medication were what turned him against traditional treatment. Since then, Hall has been asking whether his treatment was really necessary. He felt sloshily medicated, as if he couldn't really live his life.

Hall and Icarus are not alone in asking these questions. They are part of a new generation of activists trying to change the treatment and stigma attached to mental illness. Welcome to Mad Pride, a budding grassroots movement, where people who have been defined as mentally ill reframe their conditions and celebrate unusual (some call them "spectacular") ways of processing information and emotion.

Just as some deaf activists prefer to embrace their inability to hear rather than "cure" it with cochlear implants, members of Icarus reject the notion that the things that are called mental illness are simply something to be rid of. Icarus members cast themselves as a dam in the cascade of new diagnoses like bipolar and ADHD. The group, which now has a membership of 8,000 people across the U.S., argues that mental-health conditions can be made into "something beautiful." They mean that one can transform what are often considered simply horrible diseases into an ecstatic, creative, productive or broadly "spiritual" condition. As Hall puts it, he hopes Icarus will "push the emergence of mental diversity."


Embracing "mental diversity" is one thing, but questioning the need for medication in today's pill-popping world is controversial—and there have been instances in which those who experience mental extremes harm themselves or others. Icaristas argue that some of the severely mentally ill may avoid taking medication, because for some the drugs don't seem to help, yet produce difficult side effects. And while some side effects like cognitive impairment are surely debilitating, others are more subtle, such as the vague feeling that people are not themselves. Icaristas call themselves "pro-choice" about meds—some do take their drugs, but others refuse.

Mad pride has its roots in the mad-liberation movement of the 1960s and '70s, when maverick psychiatrists started questioning the boundaries between sane and insane, and patients began to resist psychiatric care that they considered coercive. But today the emphasis is on support groups, alternative health and reconsidering diagnostic labeling that can still doom patients to a lifetime of battling stigma. Icarus also frames its mission as a somewhat literary one—helping "to navigate the space between brilliance and madness." Even the name Icarus, with its origin in the Greek myth of a boy who flew to great heights (brilliance) but then came too close to the sun (madness) and hurtled to his death, has a literary cast.

Although Icarus and Hall focus on those diagnosed as mentally ill, their work has much broader implications. Talking to Hall, I was acutely aware just how much their stance reflects on the rest of us—the "normal" minds that can't read through a book undistracted, the lightly depressed people, the everyday drunks who tend toward volatility, the people who "just" have trouble making eye contact, those ordinary Americans who memorize every possible detail about Angelina Jolie.

After all, aren't we all more odd than we are normal? And aren't so many of us one bad experience away from a mental-health diagnosis that could potentially limit us? Aren't "normal" minds now struggling with questions of competence, consistency or sincerity? Icarus is likewise asking why we are so keen to correct every little deficit—it argues that we instead need to embrace the range of human existence.

While some critics might view Icaristas as irresponsible, their skepticism about drugs isn't entirely unfounded. Lately, a number of antipsychotic drugs have been found to cause some troubling side effects.

There are, of course, questions as to whether mad pride and Icarus have gone too far. While to his knowledge no members have gravely harmed themselves (or others), Hall acknowledges that not everyone can handle the Icarus approach. "People can go too fast and get too excited about not using medication, and we warn people against throwing their meds away, being too ambitious and doing it alone," he says.

But is this stance the answer? Jonathan Stanley, a director of the Treatment Advocacy Center, a nonprofit working to provide treatment for the mentally ill, is somewhat critical. Stanley, who suffers from bipolar illness with psychotic features, argues that medication is indispensable for people with bipolar disease or with schizophrenia. Stanley's group also supports mandatory hospitalization for some people suffering severe mental illness—a practice that Icarus calls "forced treatment."

Scholars like Peter Kramer, author of "Listening to Prozac" and "Against Depression," also take a darker view of mental extremes. "Psychotic depression is a disease," Kramer says. As the intellectual who helped to popularize the widespread use of antidepressants, Kramer is nonetheless enthusiastic about Icarus as a community for mad pride. Yet he still argues that mental-health diagnoses are very significant. "In an ideal world, you'd want good peer support like Icarus—for people to speak up for what's right for them and have access to resources—and also medication and deep-brain stimulation," he says.

For his part, Hall remains articulate, impassioned and unmedicated. He lives independently, in an apartment with a roommate in Oregon, where he is getting a master's in psychology at a psychoanalytic institute. He maintains a large number of friendships, although his relationships, he says, are rather tumultuous.

Nevertheless, it's not so easy. Hall periodically descends into dreadful mental states. He considers harming himself or develops paranoid fantasies about his colleagues and neighbors. Occasionally, he thinks that plants are communicating with him. (Though in his mother's Native American culture, he points out, this would be valued as an ability to communicate with the spirit world.)

On another night, I had dinner with eight Icarus members at a Thai restaurant in midtown Manhattan. Over Singha beer, they joked about an imaginary psychoactive medication called Sustain, meant to cure "activist burnout." It was hard to imagine at the dinner what Hall had suffered. While he and his "mad" allies were still clearly outsiders, they had taken their suffering and created from it an all-too-rare thing: a community.

And http://www.newsweek.com/photo/2009/04/30/photos-artists-embracing-mental-illness.html

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Coming Around Again

Hello Everyone, Today I'll be listening to this inspirational song as go about my day and smiling all the while. I thought I would spread the inspiration on to you as well :) Remember whatever you may be going through, or have gone through, everyday we have another chance to be coming around again! Have a great day,
Thanks for visiting my blog,
Love ya,
Janet :)





I been sitting in the darkness
But the sunlight’s creeping in
Now the ice is slowly melting
In my soul and in my skin
All the good times my friend
Are coming around again
Oh yeah

I been thinking reminiscing
Of better nights and better days
Hiding in a refuge
Of memories I've made
I got a feeling within
It’s coming around again

It's coming around again
We been so long waiting
For the all time high
We got a damn good reason
To put your troubles aside
And all your winter sorrows
hang ‘em out to dry
Throw it away
Gotta throw it away
All the colorful days my friend
Are coming around again

That’s right
Yeah yeah Mmm

I got someone waiting for me
It's been so long since we met
And I may not be your salvation
but I’ll offer nonetheless
And if like me u wanna take
that chance, It's coming around
again, Ooh yeah!

Yeah yeah Mmm

I can feel a change of fortune
No more riding on my love
Feel the weight is off my shoulders
As my feet become unstuck
And all the good times on which
we do depend, Oh it’s coming around again

Source: stigmanomore.blogspot.com

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Glimpses - Our Experiences with Mental Illness


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