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Strict Standards: Declaration of JParameter::loadSetupFile() should be compatible with JRegistry::loadSetupFile() in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/libraries/joomla/html/parameter.php on line 512

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php:28) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/admintools/admintools/badbehaviour/screener.inc.php on line 9

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Strict Standards: Declaration of JRouterJoomsef::parse() should be compatible with JRouter::parse(&$uri) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 361

Strict Standards: Declaration of JRouterJoomsef::build() should be compatible with JRouter::build($url) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 361

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/hotlogin/hotlogin.php on line 88

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/ganalyticstrcode/ganalyticstrcode.php on line 32

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 164

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/content/fb_tw_plus1/fb_tw_plus1.php on line 43

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Ela Simon’s Carer Story - WhatCausesMentalIllness.com
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Login

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It is as if my life were magically run by 2 electric currents: joyous positive and despairing negativewhichever is running at the moment dominates my life, floods it.
Sylvia Plath, journal
   

FAQ  


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Word Cloud  


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Latest Additions  


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Glimpses

Ela Simon’s Carer Story

Details

Ela Simon’s Carer Story

My name is Ela Simon. I have been a carer for my beautiful daughter, Natasha, who suffers from Bipolar disorder, for 25 years. However, my story is also one of being an ‘unofficial’ carer for my migrant parents. So I am the Kosher Ham in the sandwich.

I am 55 but living with and caring for manic people, who pack a year into a week, makes you old and fuzzy. So, although I don’t look a day over 35, I’m actually 115.

I was born in Krakow, Poland in 1953 & named Elzbieta, to traumatised Jewish Holocaust survivors. To avoid anti- Semitism, in 1957 my family moved to Israel, where we lived for 11 years.

My first memory is of walking to the refugee camp on the sand-dunes at night, when the oil lamp we had been given, broke. The four of us then stayed with my uncle and aunt and their huge black dog in a tiny room with a leaking roof. (Little did I know that there would be many more Black Dogs throughout my life). I remember my parents’ hardships of obtaining a place to live and jobs, whilst struggling with a new language, only from stories. I also remember the confusion I felt when I didn’t understand Hebrew at pre-school and hid behind the teacher’s skirt for a year.

For a young child of parents who lost everything and were reliving their horrific experiences of running, hiding in bunkers, being forced to work in labor-camps, frightened and hungry, for six years - every minute of every day, anxiety was rife. My father lost his entire family. His family home was confiscated by the Germans. His dad died in his arms in the Ghetto, having starved to death, refusing to eat non-Kosher food.

The Germans burst into a Jewish hospital and shot all the patients, his mother was one of them. His brother and the rest of the extended family were transported to the gas chambers in the concentration camps.

My mother lost her father and many members of her extended family. They lost their home & a very successful Fine China business. My maternal grandmother survived the Auschwitz Death Camp and my mum’s 3 brothers also survived.

My family was always in turmoil, and home life was filled with fear and uncertainty - paranoia, rage, anger, lost jobs and irrational behaviourEverything discussed at our home had a timeline of ‘before the war’, ‘during the war’ or ‘after the war’. Hearing my parents’ horrific stories over and over caused enormous stress. My older sister and I always considered ourselves ‘damaged goods’ and still do. We didn’t know what was amiss but we knew something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t understand why, when we were very poor and had very little, all the chairs were smashed against the wall one night. Who knew about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in those days?

I always wished to be ‘free’ and envied anyone who looked to have a ‘normal’ life. A life without ‘butterflies’ in my stomach.

Then, at the age of 14, in 1968, to escape the war in Israel, my family moved again - this time to Australia, where the only ‘war’ is on the football field. I’ve lived here for 41 years but can still speak Polish and Hebrew. I love Australia.

When we first migrated to Australia, my parents’ English was non-existent and mine was limited to a few sentences. I felt like a tree whose roots had been ripped out. I had lost my foundations -- my friends, my language and with it my dream of becoming a journalist and the comfort and familiarity of my culture. I missed the food, the smells and the colours of Israel. I cried every day for 3 years.

As my English was a little better than my parents, our roles had changed. I became the ‘translator’, calling to connect phones and electricity, calling MBF and Medibank, making appointments and filling in forms. I longed to be just a teenager, whose parents were the protectors. My parents also wanted my sister and me to provide their social network as they had no friends. My father had many car accidents and I always got the phone call to come and translate for him, when the policemen were making fun of his accent and poor English. I was grateful that my parents found a Polish GP, which reduced the number of phone calls I had to make. My father, who had done Engineering and computer work, had to take a job sweeping factory floors and lived in fear of losing that job should he be sick or injured. (This was before the days of OH&S).

Like many migrant kids, my minimal knowledge of English forced me to 'do better' in the sciences at school and university. I completed a Bachelor of Science degree from the University of NSW, majoring in Mathematics and Psychology. I would have preferred to study something more creative but my father insisted on Engineering – I lasted 1 year before changing to Science. He was 1 year short of completing an Engineering degree, when circumstances forced him to quit. This presented a major frustration in his life and he was determined that at least one of his daughters, complete what he hadn’t. As my sister was a graphic artist, I was the ‘chosen’ one for academia.

I managed to learn English and finish university. I later met my wonderful partner, Peter, in the early days of my computer career. We had our first daughter, Michelle when I was 27, in 1981. She cried constantly. Post-natal depression struck me and lingered for 2 years. I couldn’t believe what I had done to myself, given up a great career to change nappies, listen to the crying and not sleep. I wanted to die so badly. It took me 2 years to get better with lots of help from my parents and Peter, staying at home and going to play-group when I returned to part-time work.

Then we had our second daughter, Natasha, – the ‘Cyclone’. From babyhood Natasha suffered from hyper-active, impulsive & uninhibited behaviour. At 5 months, when she started moving around and saw a world full of magic, she turned into a little monkey, who destroyed the house, broke furniture and child-proof locks, climbed bookshelves, swung from hills hoists, drank poisons, and jumped from great heights and into swimming pools. She never crawled in the conventional way. She was a late walker and a very late talker – my ‘Late Bloomer’.

School brought her enormous anxieties - a passing comment that would go in one ear and out the other of a confident and stable child – would send Natasha into sheer panic. She did not have that ‘protective coating’ that most of us do, which deflects others’ hurtful comments or actions. She was ultra-sensitive, overreacted to school teasing or any kind of discipline and often cried hysterically. She remembers very little of Primary school but even now, 20 years later, she still obsesses about being hit on the hand at the age of 5, by a stern teacher for attempting to write with her left hand. He said she ‘was a delinquent’. We moved her to another school.

She was fidgety and restless, flitted from task to task, was accident prone and un-coordinated, she had to touch everything and taste everything. She always interrupted conversations. She found it very difficult to wait for her turn at games and did not like to lose but she was always losing her belongings.

She wanted so desperately to be popular and mix well with her peers but it never worked out. She was ignored in the playground and not invited to parties. She would act inappropriately and awkwardly in a group. She misread social signals and came on too strong. She invaded others’ personal space. Most of her days were sad. She was very bossy with others. The other children rejected her pushy behaviour.

Severe learning difficulties resulted in bad and impulsive behaviour, attention seeking, crying, vomiting, being bullied and belittled. Her reading and writing skills were almost non-existent. She was labelled an ‘attention-seeking drama queen’ by teachers.

Anxiety, obsessions, shopping sprees, irrational thoughts, irresponsible behaviour & panic attacks followed through High School where worse physical and emotional bullying continued. She would always get herself into trouble. She was like a mouse running around faster and faster inside a wheel. Her relationships were always in tatters. I was constantly called to come and collect her from the Sick Bay.

She dropped out of school at 16 and went to Tafe and completed a Chef’s Course.

Trying to find a diagnosis for Natasha’s erratic behaviour was like ‘Ploughing in the dark’, stumbling across bits of information here and there, that would eventually lead to the correct diagnosis but not for many years.

I read a book “Driven to Distraction” about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). To my surprise, it explained so much about my relative, who, although in total denial and undiagnosed, fitted all the criteria. It was a revelation. Could there be a genetic link?

For Natasha, first there was the ADHD diagnosis at the age of 12 and then again at 16. Although we could tick almost all the boxes for ADHD (except for aggression), it still didn’t completely explain her behaviour, especially the mood swings.

Our endless search for help went far and wide: Behavioural Optometrists, Clinical Psychologists, SPELD for Dyslexics, even Speech therapists. We dragged the poor girl to countless assessments in search of an answer.

Each specialist made Natasha’s illness symptoms fit into their own ‘agenda’, diagnosis and their potential remedial solution; not one suggested mental illness.

An example was the Behavioural Optometrist. In order to help Natasha’s co-ordination, we got up an hour early every day to toss balls into buckets, with the left hand, whilst skipping on one foot and then the right, whilst touching 7 points on a drawn body map, walking a straight line and performing many other crazy feats with our left foot up our nostril.

We went to support groups full of desperate parents, made endless phone calls and attended many lectures. People would give us telephone numbers of parents of children with similar behavioural problems. Each new contact brought new hope, each phone conversation the expectation of finding the magic formula which would solve Natasha’s problems. We wanted a quick and easy one. But this was not to be.

She was prescribed Ritalin but refused to take it.

As well as the constant crises, Natasha’s multi-tasking was an extremely tiring experience. While the rest of the family sat down to dinner and cut up a simple pie and peas with a knife and fork, ate and discussed our day, Natasha would see an amazing pie, with shivers up her spine she would shove chunks of the pie in her mouth and taste every ingredient, lick her lips whilst changing the song number on the CD player. She would notice the clock on the wall and change the time with sticky fingers. She would finish the delicious pie, licking her fingers, swivel in her gas lift chair to the video recorder and change the tape, set the VCR player to record ‘Buffy’, call a friend on the mobile and sing out loud. She was ‘chatting’ on the net, toggling to Photoshop to create a card for a friend, editing a Word document, writing her resume, checking a web page for movie sessions. Oh my God, quick, she would rush to stir the delicious casserole on the stove that she started cooking an hour ago. The kitchen was on fire! Call the Fire Brigade! And now she would have to clean up the mess. Natasha was exhausted. We were exhausted just watching.

The first minor manic/psychotic episode was around the age of 16, another major one when she travelled overseas on her own at 19. These were interspersed with periods of depression.

She attempted suicide twice: once with pills and once by slashing her wrist. She didn’t want to die; she just didn’t want to live.

Then one day, Michelle came home from university where she was studying Psychology. The students in her class had been shown a video “Mum, I know what Natasha is suffering from – it’s Bi-Polar”. That was the first time I had heard the word!

Although I had no trouble with English, I may as well have been speaking in a foreign language. The kind of help, mentally ill people, and their carers, need, was totally misunderstood. If this was my experience, what would it be like for people who didn’t speak English or were too ashamed to come forward?

So I searched for any information, especially real people’s experiences of the illness. I read an article in the Good Weekend about a 1950s swimmer John Konrads. It described his life, his behaviour, the highs and lows, successes and failures. This was Natasha to a “T”.

The article recommended that sufferers contact The Bipolar Clinic. But upon calling them I was told that until Natasha was diagnosed with Bipolar, they couldn’t help. My GP, who had seen Natasha over the years, in ‘full flight’, astonishingly insisted that Natasha was simply badly-behaved and possibly suffered from a Borderline Personality Disorder, and definitely not from Bipolar. She would not refer me to a Psychiatrist. The Bipolar Clinic would not recommend a Psychiatrist; “Sorry, we are not allowed to do that”. “Please, at least provide me with a name of a local Bipolar specialist” I begged. Grudgingly, she gave me a name, only to be told by this psychiatrist’s receptionist, that I could not get an appointment for 6 months! A very long time in a Bipolar sufferer’s life!

When we finally saw the psychiatrist, so much had happened. We were so hopeful but on that particular day, Natasha was on a ‘low’, quiet and uncommunicative. The psychiatrist wanted me to “step outside” and was not interested in my experience with Natasha’s behaviour. I insisted on staying! The psychiatrist questioned her briefly about her moods and decreed that she did not have Bipolar, his diagnosis was Depression; “But you haven’t seen her when she’s manic” I pointed out, simultaneously angry and despairing of this token investigation of a problem which had been slowly destroying us all for two decades. But, said the expert, the episodes of mood swings did not last long enough to be Bipolar. He prescribed anti-depressants, which just elevate the mania!!!

We were told to come back in six weeks. SIX weeks!!!

2 weeks later, I had to call him. Due to her manic behaviour, Natasha had lost her job. She was walking the streets at 2 am and was picked up by the police and taken to her local Crisis Centre. She was making large purchases, giving her possessions away, booking overseas holidays, buying medical aids – bandages and walking sticks and having panic attacks. Her room in ‘the house of horrors’ she shared with 8 people, resembled the one in the movie with a Schizophrenic Russel Crowe ‘A beautiful mind’, walls scribbled on and knee deep in bits of paper, cigarettes, rotting food and lots of lists.

This same top Bipolar specialist finally agreed that she WAS suffering from Bipolar. The diagnosis was confirmed when she was forcibly admitted to a private clinic, with the help of the Crisis Centre, and observed over a few weeks. She was 20. Unfortunately, it took a total breakdown and hospitalisation to start getting the help we needed.

My parents visited Natasha in the clinic only once and when I showed them around and said I was happy she was there, getting help and that it was a good place, my mother shook her head sadly and said “Happy? Good place? We would only wish it on our enemies, “tfu tfu tfu”. Far from being happy, my parents were devastated and ashamed.

I come from a very creative family of film directors, producers and reviewers, photographers, composers and authors. We even have an Oscar nominated cinematographer in Hollywood – who filmed movies like Ghost & Terminator. These people were not always considered ‘normal’, were expelled from or dropped out of school at a young age. I mention this because Natasha has inherited the creativity, and a creative mind does not work sequentially from A to B to C. Rather it ‘swims’ in endless ideas and goes off in many directions. Creativity is a ‘hunger’ that has to be satisfied. Many creative people also remain child-like forever. Combine this with a predisposition for mental illness and it can be a formula for disaster.

Mental illness, however, was never discussed by my family, NEVER! My grandmother (although a progressive business woman), would berate my mum, if she mentioned to her friend that my sister was coughing. “Who would marry her later, if they knew she was a sickly child?”

Only after visiting Natasha at the clinic, did my mum tell me (reluctantly) that Mental Illness had affected members of my family on both sides and one relative spent time in a Psychiatric facility. My cousin later described mum’s brother (who lived overseas) as a manic-depressive. But it was something they were so ashamed of and hid from other people and also did not understand. ADHD, mania and depression in early 1920s Poland, “did not exist”.

Even today, Natasha is told by family members “If you were more normal, you’d have more friends”. Although he listens to Polish radio and I show him pamphlets and information on mental illness, my father still insists that “she will grow out of it” and that she should “stop taking that medication”. Total denial. But that was their culture. You didn’t air your dirty linen in public.

My father believes my mother, who battled Bladder and Lung cancer for 2 years, was ‘killed’ by the doctors at the hospital from the medication she took for Arthritis. We were NEVER to say the word ‘Cancer’. So, even some physical illnesses were not allowed to be discussed.

OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is also prevalent in my family. One relative exercises for hours a day – (although exercise is not considered an obsession in our society – riding many kilometres on a bike at 3 am could be). Strange OCD behaviours I have encountered include buying surplus quantities of ‘anything that is ON-SPECIAL’, endless peeling and shredding of fruit and vegetables, photocopying, baking dozens of cakes and buying so many unnecessary cheap clothes. Each obsession lasts a few months.

It is hard to reason with some of my relatives. They have always refused to talk about their problems as ‘they don’t have any’ – it’s always the other person who is to blame for erratic behaviours. Sadly, the shame and denial of mental illness and refusal to seek help, tormented all around them for many years.

For me, sometimes the only way of coping with them, is to walk away for a while.

Unfortunately, there is no happy ending to their stories.

After 3 and ½ weeks in the clinic, Natasha was still manic, irrational and manipulative. The Zyprexa she was prescribed had only made her weight balloon so that she looked pregnant. The Psychiatrist then tried Lamictal (an anti-epileptic) which proved to be a miracle drug for Natasha and she could think clearly for the first time in her life. However, it was not on the PBS for Bipolar, only for Epileptics, which posed a new set of problems such as costing $300 a month. This Psychiatrist, although decreeing that Natasha was unable to work, refused to fill in Centrelink forms required for Natasha to receive the disability Pension, which may have helped us with the medical expenses.

Depression usually follows a manic episode. It is possibly easier to understand than mania. We have all been sad at some stage in our lives, but depression is much more than being sad – it is a prolonged inability to function. Every task seems insurmountable.

Natasha has gone through many severe depressions, where she lies in a dark room with her blindfold on and any attempt to coax her out is met with a “NOT TODAY”.

Depression visited me again at the age of 45, probably brought on by Menopause. I couldn’t get out of bed, see anyone, couldn’t pick up the phone or cook a meal. Getting dressed was out of the question. I still take anti-depressants and have had years of counselling.

Other conditions which sometimes present with Bipolar disorder affected Natasha - Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and severe Insulin intolerance. Also SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder. In October, around Daylight Saving Time - the mania starts. Then it escalates until summer, in December, when she is totally out of control. Hospitalisation or persevering at home until autumn, when Depression sets in (around March). Late autumn and winter she is fairly stable. SAD can also be triggered by travelling between hemispheres or crossing the International Dateline.

During that difficult year Natasha still managed to complete a University Preparation Course in Psychology with a Credit result.

Natasha was still not well. After trying so many avenues, I gave up work for a year and was Natasha’s full-time carer. I hoped this may relieve her anxiety by removing the pressures of life from her.

During that year, we wrote our book The Bi-Polar Express – our life and death roller-coaster ride of mania and depression. We hoped that the story would give a sense of our day-to-day and lifetime experiences and the impact the condition has on families.

Autumn and winter in 2006 passed. We finished our book. It took us a year to publish.

Then spring waltzed in but we were not dancing as Natasha, again was marching to the beat of a different drum. The mania had returned during a hairdressing course. Her hair was different every day – cut, bleached, coloured, chemically straightened and cut again. She handed out leaflets around the city offering to teach English and conduct scenic tours around the Sydney beaches. She was manic again but we didn’t act fast enough to get medical intervention.

Natasha was hospitalised again in January 2007 whilst she was on holidays in the Central Coast. The summer mania was being mismanaged by her psychiatrist, not reducing the anti-depressants and doubling her Seroquel (anti-Psychotic) to dangerous levels.

She was sitting in the street – handing out her belongings to passers by. Her credit card and driver’s license were taken. A police warning moved her on. Then she went to a motel her late grandmother used to take her to on holidays and insisted they show her the room they had stayed in (years before) and took many brochures. The owner called the police who took her to Wyong psychiatric ward in a Paddy Wagon. She had to be subdued by 6 nurses and put into isolation in a padded cell. We raced up to Wyong from Sydney. That was the beginning of 8 long and harrowing weeks.

Her psychiatrist became un-contactable. The hospital could not get her records from him. Not answering pleading phone calls, faxes or emails. He just washed his hands of her. What unethical behaviour! They had to rely solely on the information we could provide.

The mania soared. She was totally psychotic – unable to distinguish between reality and non-reality. She insisted that she was deaf and mute & kept signing with her fingers “I can’t hear you”, she was a minus sign or a plus sign, a square hole and a round peg. She was a chameleon and kept repeating the same thing over and over. She thought she had lost a baby, Melody, or she WAS the baby or she was my mum (who had passed away recently). She didn’t really know we were there. She was uninhibited and danced for the other patients. She was reading the bible, converting to Christianity and then to Islam. Natasha was so anxious, ranting, crying, laughing, begging and distraught. Twice she was taken to the emergency room after becoming tachycardic and fainting during a panic attack.

But at least in this hospital, we felt as if mental illness was better understood by the medical staff.

We were told by a mental health worker there, that one way of understanding what Natasha was seeing was as if she was watching 1000 TV screens – Natasha’s mind was flickering from one screen to another. She knew one picture was real but didn’t know which one.

Seeing her in that state, I felt as if I was barely keeping my head above huge sea waves that kept on hitting. I found it hard to talk to family & friends. As if I opened my mouth to speak, I would drown. I couldn’t see how my Natasha would come back to us. Even the manic Natasha. Michelle, who was always so supportive of her sister and loves her so much, kept reassuring me she would and she did.

After 8 weeks in 2 different hospitals, with the enormous efforts of the Psychiatric staff and being prescribed Lithium, Natasha came home relatively stable.

I say relatively as she was still very manipulative.

After a manic episode, the family’s recovery is slow. After the Cyclone hits us again, like the people devastated by tornadoes, floods and bush fires, who lose everything and have to rebuild their shattered lives, we lose our structure, sanity and sometimes our jobs. It usually takes us a few months to ‘rebuild’ and recover. Natasha often doesn’t understand our need for some ‘hiding from the world’ and some ‘silence’.

Mum, can Vincent (from POW Psych ward) come and watch DVDs in our lounge room and stay the night?

No, darling, please, NO”, “but mum…”, “NO, where are you?” “Outside the front door – with Vincent”.

I had enough – we had to take ACTION or Tough Love (words do not register with an irrational person but actions do).

We let them in, then packed a little bag in our bedroom and ‘disappeared’ to a motel for 2 days. I switched my mobile off. Natasha was panic stricken and called all my friends to find me. As Natasha wanted to have people over & refused to respect our rules, her only option was to move out. - We called the shelter for the homeless she booked herself into - ‘THE LODGE’. She was there for 3 weeks.

When we finally went to pick her up to come home on approach in our car – I saw a very large homeless lady carrying bags outside the lodge. I said to Peter “how sad, that could be Natasha” - Oh my God, it was Natasha. She had put on all the clothes she had taken there over several days, layer upon layer, as she didn’t have a suitcase. A very resourceful girl. We always provided unconditional love but the unconditional support had to have conditions, so that we could survive and be around to help her. Action did the trick and she has never brought strangers home since. We do sometimes have to remind her, when she is being unreasonable, that “there is always The Lodge”.

Once the Lithium took effect, (it usually takes around 5-6 weeks), things improved. The un-contactable psychiatrist had refused to let Natasha take Lithium as he claimed ‘it would change her personality’. Yes – it has, but oh what a change.


What is so wrong with changing from all I’ve described so far to being rational, cautious, sequential, polite, considerate, responsible and especially independent? Whereas the manic Natasha would preface every other word with ‘F*ck’, I rarely hear that word now.

The government is finally making progress in helping mentally ill people. The incredible help Natasha was given by the NSW government has enabled her to start living. She was in such a bad state at POW and seeing how desperate, exhausted and financially crippled we were as a family, assigned her a Psychologist, a Social worker, and a Community Worker. They all worked so hard to apply for and receive subsidised accommodation through the HASI program, a disability pension from Centrelink and organise a support worker through NEAMI.

Natasha has moved out of home into her 1 bedroom flat and has a cat, Kyra – her new friend. She seems very settled and happy and is so rational, it’s surreal. She even budgets! She has been given a new chance at life.

Natasha is now seeing an excellent Psychiatrist. He provides consistent monitoring. (A diabetic tests their blood sugar level 4 times a day but mentally ill people are often left on a medication without review for weeks or months). The Lithium keeps Natasha stable and the Aropax keeps the severe depressions at bay. This Psychiatrist’s advice is never to take on too much, everything part time, with days in between to rest and not be exposed to too much stimulus.

Natasha completed a TAFE course in Children’s Services last year and for the first time in her life was able to concentrate and actually enjoy studying. Although she had to take a part-time load as full time was too stressful – she did it - with Distinction! A huge achievement given all the obstacles her illness had presented.

She could now use her talents not hindered by her busy and out-of-control mind: her creativity, her original ideas, her love of children, her whacky sense of humour, her amazing cooking talent, incredible eye for colours, and amusing writing. She also has great compassion & empathy for people, especially the disabled. What a beautiful trait.

When Natasha left home so improved, I fell apart. I had lost my “job”. I was very erratic. The Psychiatrist diagnosed me with “a touch of” Bipolar. Just because some days, I was manic, unable to sit down for one minute, doing many things at the same time, talking rapidly & starting a new business? Depressed some days or some moments, unable to sleep? I can’t quite accept that yet, but maybe he’s right? I am probably a version of the Manic or depressed Natasha but on sedatives. Maybe that is what enables Natasha and me to have such an intimate understanding of each others’ feelings.

This year (2009) Natasha was accepted into the University of NSW and in March started studying ARTS/Psychology and Film Studies – Part-time/half load. She was juggling information days, mentors, disability assistance meetings, forms for the Mental Health support people, long queues to Student Services and buying books, assignments, experiments, essays, presentations, public transport, deadlines, results, constant monitoring of the university web site and keeping up with her new friends.

How do I know all this? – I was there with her. I was at Uni AGAIN. But Things were going well…well….

Oh, wait, that was SOOOOOOOOOO LAST WEEK! After 7 weeks riddled with severe anxiety and panic attacks, she dropped out of Uni. A relief for us ALL.

Being in an environment where she feels ‘safe’ and can succeed is of ultimate importance for Natasha. TAFE’s smaller, more structured environment and more hands on and less theory approach, suited her well. The big, impersonal, pressure cooker of university didn’t. She also quickly realised that the essays she had to hand in were more ‘Patrick White’ and not at all Kathy Lette.

So, the ride continues but with it the most important element for mentally ill people - learning to manage the illness by recognising limitations. Natasha has to be able to recognise and either avoid stressful situations or withdraw from these before they land her in hospital.

Natasha and I are on the MMHA CALD Speakers Bureau and talk at mental health related functions to promote awareness and reduce the stigma of mental illness.

We admire Natasha for being so brave and talking about her experiences with Bipolar, not years after the worst is over but whilst it’s happening when it could still cause damage to her reputation. She is inspirational.

2 years ago, I couldn’t say we have a happy ending. But at the moment I feel Natasha has triumphed over the main ‘demon’ and I hope it will continue to be under control. Now the battle is with panic and anxiety. Medication is not the whole answer here – yes – Valium can suppress the symptoms of panic and anxiety but Cognitive Behaviour Therapy with a good Psychologist will hopefully help with some of the underlying issues.

Another form of therapy for Natasha is writing. She writes when she is depressed or manic, so she is now writing a few chapters for our second book – ‘Panic Stations’.

There is no simple or single solution to mental illness, no quick fix, but never give up. Maybe we have not won the war but we have certainly won every battle and we will continue to do so.

I wish all the best, for those in similar circumstances and hope this story has helped others. As Natasha says “if … even one sentence can help someone, then that’s good enough for me!” Natasha was recently asked what her biggest achievement has been so far: Her answer… “STAYING ALIVE”.

For those interested in our book “The Bi-Polar Express”, you can visit our website www.thebipolarexpress.com.au.

A compilation of uncensored real life experiences with Mental Illness.
GLIMPSES © 2007  For permission to use the content of this manuscript please contact Nicci Wall at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or fax +61 3 5222 6847
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Glimpses - Our Experiences with Mental Illness


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Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

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