Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 28

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 29

Strict Standards: Declaration of JParameter::loadSetupFile() should be compatible with JRegistry::loadSetupFile() in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/libraries/joomla/html/parameter.php on line 512

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php:28) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/admintools/admintools/badbehaviour/screener.inc.php on line 9

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 24

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 25

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 34

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 41

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 50

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 54

Strict Standards: Declaration of JRouterJoomsef::parse() should be compatible with JRouter::parse(&$uri) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 361

Strict Standards: Declaration of JRouterJoomsef::build() should be compatible with JRouter::build($url) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 361

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/rokextender/rokextender.php on line 32

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 235

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 755

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 830

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1341

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 877

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 879

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 246

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 857

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 245

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 48

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 249

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 257

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/modulesanywhere/modulesanywhere.php on line 47

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/modulesanywhere/modulesanywhere.php on line 50

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/modulesanywhere/modulesanywhere.php on line 85

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/modulesanywhere/helper.php on line 53

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/mmbackground/mmbackground.php on line 38

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/mmbackground/mmbackground.php on line 53

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/hotlogin/hotlogin.php on line 28

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/hotlogin/hotlogin.php on line 31

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 171

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 192

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 196

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 201

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 162

Strict Standards: Declaration of AdvancedModulesModelModule::validate() should be compatible with JModelForm::validate($form, $data, $group = NULL) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_advancedmodules/models/module.php on line 33

Strict Standards: Declaration of AdvancedModulesModelModule::cleanCache() should be compatible with JModel::cleanCache($group = NULL, $client_id = 0) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_advancedmodules/models/module.php on line 33

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/hotlogin/hotlogin.php on line 57

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 2463

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 373

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 294

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 296

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 297

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 219

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 221

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/modulesanywhere/helper.php on line 104

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 122

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 122

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 122

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 122

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 122

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 122

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 122

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 122

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 122

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/mmbackground/mmbackground.php on line 98

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/hotlogin/hotlogin.php on line 88

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/ganalyticstrcode/ganalyticstrcode.php on line 32

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_ganalytics/util/dbutil.php on line 56

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 164

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 165

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 174

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 2463

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 590

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/modulesanywhere/helper.php on line 129

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/modulesanywhere/helper.php on line 173

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/content/fb_tw_plus1/fb_tw_plus1.php on line 43

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/content/fb_tw_plus1/fb_tw_plus1.php on line 49
DH’s Story I AM …… I AM NOT MY ILLNESS - WhatCausesMentalIllness.com
Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/hotlogin/tmpl/default.php on line 12

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 122

Login

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/providers/RokMenuProviderJoomla16.php on line 23

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 212

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/AbstractJoomlaRokMenuFormatter.php on line 14

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/AbstractJoomlaRokMenuFormatter.php on line 14

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/AbstractJoomlaRokMenuFormatter.php on line 14

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/AbstractJoomlaRokMenuFormatter.php on line 14

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/AbstractJoomlaRokMenuFormatter.php on line 14

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/AbstractJoomlaRokMenuFormatter.php on line 14

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/AbstractJoomlaRokMenuFormatter.php on line 14

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/AbstractJoomlaRokMenuFormatter.php on line 14

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/AbstractJoomlaRokMenuFormatter.php on line 14

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/AbstractJoomlaRokMenuFormatter.php on line 14

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/renderers/RokNavMenu2XRenderer.php on line 13
   

Main Menu  


Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef_ext/com_content.php on line 273

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef_ext/com_content.php on line 276

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef_ext/com_content.php on line 282

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1858

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1860

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527
   
The multitude of the sick shall not make us deny the existence of health.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
   

FAQ  


Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527
   

Word Cloud  


Strict Standards: Non-static method modJoesWordCloudHelper::getModuleContent() should not be called statically in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_joeswordcloud/mod_joeswordcloud.php on line 18

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_joeswordcloud/helper.php on line 229
   

Latest Additions  


Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527
   

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 212

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/content/joocomments/joocomments.php on line 21

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 473

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/content/fb_tw_plus1/fb_tw_plus1.php on line 103

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/content/joocomments/joocomments.php on line 78

Glimpses

DH’s Story I AM …… I AM NOT MY ILLNESS

Details

DH’s Story

I AM …… I AM NOT MY ILLNESS

WHAT HAPPENS IN OUR BRAIN? I think I am not the only one who has spent more than half of her life thinking that mental health problems happen to “other people” I ignored the signs of genetics, heredity, predisposition,. My uncle was an alcoholic who killed himself. A cousin, a young man, killed himself when the love of his life left him. Both my grandfathers were alcoholics, and so was my mother, and she too spent some time in a mental hospital and was for ever taking some medication or other. And yet, absorbed with my own survival issues, I paid very little attention to all this. Looking back, I can see us all like puppets on the strings, playing our roles in life the best we can, with our brain being the director, the conductor. “How little we all know about what happens in our brain”.

I was born in 1949, in a small country in Europe to a young girl who was not ready for marriage or motherhood! She just got pregnant and in those years this meant she had to marry! My mum, who was always on some tablets, and suffered from alcohol addiction, left me and my father when I was only 6 years old. Later, she returned a few times, (with my younger sister,). In fact, she was always coming and leaving. Our family was very dysfunctional. I brought myself up alone; I knew very little about discipline, trust, respect. My father went to the factory every day, I went to school, and I have very few memories of this period. I remember that at one stage, my mum and sister came back “home”; mum found my personal diary in which I wrote all my intimate feelings, my love for a teacher, as well as my hatred for my mother. She showed my diary to my father. In rage and shame and despair, at 13, I attempted to kill myself for the first time. I guess I may have suffered from depression even then. However, I was saved at the local hospital and life went on. In order to leave the unhappy home, where my parents abused each other all the time, I accepted a scholarship at an agriculture college ( even though agriculture had no appeal for me), and I left home at 15, to go to a boarding college. Life became a bit nicer then! It was the beginning of a life full of travelling, studies, friendships, and reasonable success on professional as well as emotional level, and I knew at all times THAT I WAS ALONE, AND HAD ONLY TO RELY ON MYSELF. I kept in touch with my family and visited them often. They missed me, by then I also had a little brother. My sister and brother continued to live in a horribly abusive home, and I felt so sad for them.

In my life of 61 years, I have been a migrant in many different countries. I am sure that this factor has a lot of importance in everything that happened in my life, I believe that each time we “uproot” ourselves; we may add some stress to our life. Each time we start afresh, and have to find ways to assimilate, be accepted, and prosper , the emotional strain on our brain cells is great. Each time we feel lost because we can’t speak the language of our new country; each time we make furniture out of cardboard boxes in our new little room…I remember crying alone on Christmas day at a cemetery in Paris, I remember having terrible nightmares for a while: I was dreaming of travelling home to an address that did not exist and putting a key in the wrong door. Looking back, I know that I must have changed houses hundreds of times…

In my late twenties, in Paris, I married a beautifully warm, kind man. I was not aware, and I was not told by him or his family, that he was ill with schizophrenia and was on medication. Only later, when we migrated to Australia, and his illness got worse and he stopped taking his medication, he confined in me. He told me that his parents had placed him in mental hospitals in France, where he had been given repeated electric shock treatments when he was 14 years old. He was terrified of ECT and so in Sydney, I did not allow this kind of therapy. He also told me that he was a homosexual who was too terrified of his parents to ever live like one. He was in and out of hospital, as I often tried to help him while keeping him at home with me, however, at times, due to his hallucinations, I feared for my own life. I also feared that he did not cope well with being a migrant, especially as he had had to accept a job that was way below his qualifications and people had difficulty understanding him due to his strong French accent. Maybe all this added horrible stress to his life? We finally decided it was better for him to return to France, where his family could help him, while I would keep paying our mortgage and hope he would soon get better. SO DURING ALL THIS TIME, I WAS A CARER STRUGGLING TO COME TO TERMS WITH ALL THE LIES , HIS MENTAL ILLNESS, OUR DEAD MARRIAGE AND MY OWN MENTAL FRAGILITY. During this time, my father back home had a terrible car accident and so I went to stay with him; after 9 days of coma, he miraculously recovered. I had been diagnosed with cancer and had to have an operation. My brain , my dear poor brain, was falling apart under all this .

Not long after I took my husband back to France, I received the horrible news from his parents that he had committed suicide. He escaped from the hospital and threw himself under a train.

During the last 6 months of our life together in Sydney, I was diagnosed with panic attacks and anxiety and was put on tranquillisers. Maybe this is the real beginning of my mental illness, or maybe in my genes, the illness was sleeping and had my life been less difficult, it would have kept on sleeping. How on earth could I have not gotten ill with all that was happening? I often think that “happy” people don’t suffer from addiction and mental illness…

However, being on medication, having panic attacks, fits of crying, did not prevent me from continuing with my life, my career, I just pushed myself harder. During this time too, my first book, a poetry collection , was published.

I pushed myself; I demanded a lot of myself. The little girl who was abandoned by her mother at the age of 6, needed love and approval and so with my career, with writing, with love affairs, it was never enough . In order to cope, the dose of tranquillisers was increased many times during the years that followed. After my husband’s suicide, I was feeling terrible guilt and shame, as if I had failed my husband completely, as if I was responsible for his death. HOWEVER, NO DOCTOR EVER MENTIONED DEPRESSION OR COUNSELLING, THEY JUST GAVE ME SEDATIVES.

I continued with my successful career in Human resource management, with my writing and publishing, and relied – for everything - on my tranquillisers. Looking back, I am sure I was suffering from depression, but no one alluded to it and I knew nothing about it.

I moved from Sydney to Melbourne. In 1987 I married a man who told me he was an alcoholic; I did not really understand what this meant for him. While he was drinking, he was mellow and gentle; yet when he stopped drinking, once he became a “dry drunk”, (an expression used to describe people who no longer drink but may use unacceptable behaviour such as anger/rage, pessimistic criticism, manipulation, abusive behaviour etc.) our life together became a nightmare.

During this marriage, I stopped taking tranquillisers; I did not see a doctor, I did not know how dangerous it was to go from high doses of 50 mg or more to zero!

I had terrible withdrawal symptoms and I used alcohol and food to calm myself. During the years that followed, I was finally diagnosed with depression, and I was drinking a lot in the evenings and I was on and off anti-depressants. I went through a difficult menopause; even though I was a successful business woman, and I had a second book published, I was slowly dying, totally exhausted and alone. Strangely , I felt responsible for my depression; it was all my fault if I was not coping, I was weak, stupid, and my husband told me that again and again.

As if I did not have enough on my plate, my frail, aged parents arrived from overseas and asked me to take care of them. My life was turned upside down. Amazingly, their abusive marriage survived and here we were, in Tasmania, reunited. Somehow I convinced myself that my GOD wanted me to help my parents find some happiness and peace. So I put all of me into being a good daughter, a good carer. My marriage, which was already an unhappy one, became horrible, with my partner detesting my parents, family, friends, and at the end, hating me too. Emotionally, I died. My husband asked me to choose, I chose my parents.

Remembering it all, I can see that at that time, I was suffering both from alcohol addiction and depression. However, I was still capable of running a business and going through another broken marriage and being a full time carer. Until, totally exhausted and depressed, I tried to take my life. But the thought of my parents finding me dead in the morning was too much and so I called the ambulance before it was too late. When I was recovering in the hospital, I told my family I was fed up being everybody’s MILKING COW! In one of the books I read some time ago, there was talk of “being a victim, allowing people to hurt you”; I started to feel that I was totally fed up with being a victim.

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BRAIN?

More sadness in life followed. Much of it I will not even mention here, in order to remain brief. However, I went through a painfully abusive divorce and property settlement, lost my home, lost my father (after I nursed him at home for many months).

My mother and I moved to a bigger town, but our relationship was a difficult one; she was beginning to suffer from dementia, she was angry and selfish and the antidepressants she was on were not really helping. I still had my own anger in me for her abandoning me as a child, but also, I desperately wanted her to love me, at least once before we both die. But looking after her 24 hours a day was killing me. Even at night there was no peace; she was hungry at midnight, she would put rubbish into the toilet, not remembering , and I was for ever cooking and cleaning and washing.

I started , for the first time in my life, to seek serious counselling, I bought self-help books, went to stay in monasteries, Buddhism retreats, and allowed the little girl inside me to cry. The torrents of tears that needed to come out of me! My mother became very ill with dementia and I finally had her admitted into a nursing home. It was better to cope with my shame and guilt, for not looking after her, than looking after her.

I WAS NOW ON MY OWN: NO LONGER A CARER, NO LONGER A WIFE, NO BUSINESS TO RUN, UNEMPLOYED, FINANCIALLY INSECURE, AND VERY ILL : I travelled through a total identity crisis. Antidepressants and alcohol have also added about 20 Kilos to my body, which I detested.

My faith that God continued to love me and that I deserved better health, and my loving friends and family, helped me decide that my life did matter. My path to recovery, to help myself heal continued.. I wrote poetry, my brain and my guts were freely examined through songs of love and loss, madness and dementia, fear of life, love of life. My brother and sister have their own demons to fight, and maybe it is harder for them, because they cannot “cleanse” through writing. I have always found my writing a terrific remedy.

I went to Petrea King Quest for Life centre in Bundanoon, Armidale retreat, Chenrezig Buddhism retreat in Queensland, South Pacific Hospital in Sydney, Mindfulness studies, Vipashna meditations retreat I attended AA meetings and wrote stories and poems.

Finally, I accepted that for me, a frail mind is no different to my frail bones (it looks like I “inherited” osteoporosis from my grandmother). So, I treat both with loving gentle care. I never feel

A victim to whom things happen; I learned to take responsibility for my own health, and learnt to protect myself better. Just like I did when I was a young girl. Boots and all!

Today I can say it has been a beautiful 5 years with no alcohol or antidepressants in my life. Every day is a PRESENT.

I keep working on my overall health. To live with depression is a career! I accept that my mental health is very fragile, just like my bones are, with osteoporosis. I accept that I can manage my physical, spiritual and mental health with healthy lifestyle, and acceptance plays a big part. High blood pressure, cholesterol, depression, are guests in my house and I treat them as such.

I am very active in helping others in the society, in Aged care, Disability, Mental Health. I work part time, I look after my mother part time. My mother and I now have a beautiful loving relationship where only the beauty of the tenderness of the present moment matters ! It is amazing how gentle and loving my mum is; but it is possible that she sees in me only unconditional love that I am now able to give her, and so all our battles are long forgotten. And that is another thing I have learn: to be mentally at peace, I need to have humility, to accept, tolerate, and not fight all the time . It does not matter to be Right, it matters to be at Peace inside.

I treasure every day. No matter WHAT disasters may happen in my day, I end it with a prayer:

Thank you God for this day of my life”.

I study, anything from health, to faith, to nutrition, hormones, addictions, moon cycles, you name it, I am interested. It is hard work, the door to despair or tears, or feeling of exhaustion remains semi open most of the time. Often, I have some counselling, when I get stuck with an issue (especially my body , my weight, my fear of getting dementia, my fear of men.)

Lots of peace comes from my love of nature, bush walks, swims in the ocean, trips overseas, being with loved ones, family and friends. I no longer need others to love me and approve of me, I am good enough just for me!

Confucius wrote: quote

Our greatest glory is not in the never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”…unquote

My reality today is: just like in nature, in my body and mind and soul, there is rain and thunder and sunshine, there is tsunami but also moon light. All worth living.

And every minute of my life is treasured, and respected including moments of extreme sadness, or grief or confusion.

** WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BRAIN continues to be a very important question for me, and so I continue to study, read, and research. Books like THE FABRIC OF MIND (Bergland) fascinate me. I believe that “Every encounter, in person or in book, is a learning opportunity” unquote.

I don’t believe that doctors are Gods, who can miraculously cure us. My overall wellbeing is in my own hands and with the help of God and doctors, I may just stay well and happy. From my book WHISPER:

I wish you a face with no mask, the healthy smile of a clown, and the tears of an innocent pain. I wish you peace, with no cannons in your brain.”


Powered by Bullraider.com
   

Free WebSpace

   

Glimpses - Our Experiences with Mental Illness


Strict Standards: Non-static method modRandomNewsWithIntroHelper::getList() should not be called statically in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_randomnewswithintro/mod_randomnewswithintro.php on line 13

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_randomnewswithintro/helper.php on line 16

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_randomnewswithintro/helper.php on line 17

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_randomnewswithintro/helper.php on line 27

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_randomnewswithintro/helper.php on line 32

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_randomnewswithintro/helper.php on line 97

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_randomnewswithintro/helper.php on line 97

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_randomnewswithintro/helper.php on line 97

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_randomnewswithintro/helper.php on line 97

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 115

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 69

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 73

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_sef/classes/seftools.php on line 949

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 378

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.ext.php on line 68

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/joomsef.php on line 1527

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_randomnewswithintro/helper.php on line 97
   
© (c) Whatcausesmentalillmess.com