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Christopher.J.Pescud’s Story A World of thought and Psychosis - WhatCausesMentalIllness.com
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I have missed more than 9000 shots in my career.I have lost almost 300 games.On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game's winning shot ... and missed. And I have failed over and over again in my life. And that is why ... I succeed.
Michael Jordan
   

FAQ  


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Word Cloud  


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Latest Additions  


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Glimpses

Christopher.J.Pescud’s Story A World of thought and Psychosis

Details

Christopher.J.Pescud’s Story

A World of thought and Psychosis

JUST ANOTHER DAY BEING SCHITZO!

It’s a rainy today , and I’m not feeling good at all , I’m so damn tired and I have a pain in my head ,I’m at work I just need to put one foot in front of the other It’s just not right , I have to drive home when I did, something felt like it hit in me in the head.

oh I have to get home”,” I can’t see very well indeed” , I made it home , I walked in the door and just fell on the bed I slept and slept then I awoke, I couldn’t talk, I forgotten words how do I speak ,I’ll watch telly although nothing made sense I couldn’t understand what was said and the pictures are confusing , oh what’s wrong with me I cant focus, everything’s confusing no ones talking properly, where’s the thoughts coming from are they thinking at me, why don’t they leave me alone , are they feeding me drugs, There all trying to kill me, I won’t talk, I’ll just stay still and watch what they do, Their thinking at me again and I’m always being watched always all the time ,

I can’t think they’ll know what I’m thinking, what I have I done wrong , I ‘m trying to work out what I have done wrong, Damn head it wont come good , “what’s that” , I said to myself,” on the wall” ,” It’s there” the voice said , I thought I won’t look at it and it will go away and the thought said again” look at it”” it’s on the wall”

So I looked, is it a demon or is it not real what is it, it’s a face what’s it looking at me for, I wont look at it and it will go away, is it real or is it the drugs, what’s wrong with me man, I cant get my head right, I know I’ll think at them I’ll confuse their head, my father said” he needs to be committed” , oh, I need sleep and it will go away , and , they’ll kill me if I go to sleep , “who’ll kill you” the voice said , I said they will and the voice said “who will “and I said I don’t know they will who ever ,” they can’t be trusted” the voice said , I can’t work out who’s doing it “,what’s that , where” I said and the voice said” out there” , I said” I don’t know” and the voice said” go have a look” , so I peered out the blinds and there was nothing , I looked at myself why am I rocking, I stopped myself , the voice said” idiot ,stupid idiot” , I ran my hand over my forehead sweat heaps of sweat what’s wrong with me man , I feel sick , and the voice said “idiot” “your demented” I looked down I’m rocking again , so I stopped myself.

I need sleep and I’ll wake up better “,look up there” , the voice said I said” where” it said” up there” I looked” Its in the sky” , the voice said” look at it” , so I looked the clouds took formation ,” is that the devil” I said , I wont look I’m frightened , I thought they must be feeding me LSD or something I’m hallucinating , I yelled at them who’s feeding me drugs they looked , they were quite I got a stick and I slammed it on the bench , which one of you is feeding me drugs , they were quite , I turned and took off to my room.

I sat on the bed in the corner the voice said “ their lying “ I thought “shut up ,shut the hell up “ and the voice said “why” I thought I’ll stop the thoughts I won’t think, Is it me or is it someone else” who is it” I thought , forcing myself not to think , sweating and shaking “I thought there’s a spirit in here , it’s trying to make me do bad things ‘the voice said ”prove it” ,”what’s that” the voice said I looked it’s a shape I thought it’s a spirit , I won’t look

I’m frightened the telly was on what are they saying are they talking to me , there talking to me , I better shut up and not think , hang on is this my mind It’s falling apart at that stage fighting it oh ,I’m rocking again I need to compose myself I stopped , I need sleep ,I’ll just lie down ,so damn tired and I need sleep ,

And another day went by more visions more thoughts and more rocking , I thought when is this going to stop 3 months later after all the garbage I thought it would better I managed to get some work and work I did I did very well for 12 months and then It started again the thoughts got worse, mind you they were always there I just managed them better ,well I thought I did by this stage I had moved away from home and in a relationship with a woman and we managed 2 dogs and a cat , anyway as I was saying 12 months went by and the psychotic symptoms came back this time worse than ever before , I was in a car accident then I lost my job , it got to the stage where I just couldn’t think I was always in a daze , my girlfriends parents and relatives called me parasite and life was hell , I couldn’t fill the forms out for unemployment benefits ,I tried to tell everyone what was happening to me they all tried to tell me things that didn’t make sense ,when they spoke their words had no meaning and then I thought I was haunted by spirits , I told my girlfriend what I was seeing , she would reply you're f#@king crazy , she called me a reject boyfriend and I was trying to fight it , I started to believe that my girlfriend was drugging me and that once again they were thinking at me again, As I now know now paranoid schizophrenia although this time I didn’t go catatonic , I was in a real mess couldn’t remember to shower couldn’t remember to eat I couldn’t think what time it was and when I did I looked at the clock time meant nothing my girlfriend tried to help but in the end she just gave up trying so her father kicked me out eventually, this was 4 years after my initial breakdown , I was just this body that woke up and then went to bed , the thoughts and the visions were from hell I was petrified of what I saw and heard but I couldn’t tell anyone about them , actually I haven’t to this day story told anyone about what happened , I’m hoping that this will give some insight into what goes on inside a person’s mind while going through a psychosis , It was as if I had been permanently drugged and hallucinating you don’t know what’s happening or who’s doing it to you and the thoughts you don’t know if your being controlled by some other force from another dimension, To this day I still wonder if what I went through was from the other side although now I just believe it was my illness , anyway I got kicked out and my father housed me , I said to my mother who also has an illness , “ mum I’m unwell and I can’t think properly can you get me help she looked and I said “ I’m serious mum I need help “ she then rang the services up that she knew and they sent the CAT team out , They are trained in this sort of thing , my father however didn’t believe that psychiatric disorders existed he believed it was an attitude problem however thank god he was prepared to listen , the crisis team immediately, put me on tablets and organised some help through the mental health services , I remember the side effects I rocked in my sleep it was soothing to the mind it helped the pain in my head , although it wasn’t a pain like breaking a bone or cutting oneself it was different and I had a real bad time with anger I felt angry all the time really angry , I’m just thankful I didn’t act on what some of the voices said or I would have killed people , I refused to act , I fought the voices the internal demon inside I fought him all the way , I refused to act ,when I saw the head psychiatrist they had to release my anger slowly so I sat in group therapy , I remember some of the clients saying” listen to that guy he’s pshyco”

But eventually they managed to release my anger slowly without me doing harm to anyone or myself, nowadays though I have learnt to not take in other peoples problems nor take on their snide remarks as I think they have the problem and it’s not me like before I used to take it on board until anger built so much that it made my mind crazy.

As I look back I realize the hurt and the anguish that being bullied and mocked and just plain being misunderstood really hurt me inside , it seem to come from all directions at that stage , anyway I’ve had many psychotic episodes and I’ve been on various medications that work for a while and then don’t work after a period of time and this leads to more psychotic episodes , however I haven’t had an dramatic episode for nearly five years now only sometimes I will have symptoms , with each change in medication things are getting better , the last change in medication I have had I’ve been put on a new one and all the psychotic symptoms have gone away , I’m hoping this time things will be better it’s just a matter of wait and see

Well I’ve lived with this illness now for some 24 years and I’ve seen what people go through with it I have made friends within the psych system and I’ve also lost a lot of friends through their conditions, I’ve been in the situation where life doesn’t matter and death seems so peaceful that I would rather not be, I’ve gone to the stage where I’ve tried to take my life and I’ve been through the stage where I just didn’t wish to be.

The last 11 years of my life have been alright I have a young son and daughter now that I cherish and I wish to see them grow up so I hang around for them even though life seems so damn hard, and the dizzy head comes back every now and then

I had a turn about 2 months ago where I just felt so damn tired and so damn bored being alive I just wanted to go sleep and never wake up, now I just hang on and I watch my children grow

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll never have a decent relationship again not with my condition anyway

I’ve taken on further studies which gives me something to look forward to

But to me life is just, well I exist and that’s it,

So to that the question. Is it, to be or not to be?

And my answer is I exist!

TO BE OR NOT TO BE

The story I told was a period in my life to today, now though After being put on medication for some 20 odd years and have been on various medications I have my good days and my bad , in and out of psychosis up and down around and around some medications make you rock some medications don’t seem to work at all it’s a trial and error thing and then you wonder if at all it is worth it , I get tired , I’m sick of being ill it makes me depressed but It’s just a matter of making the most of what we have and being thankful to god that we are who we are and learning to accept what we are, and that we go through this, it’s part of our make up , I think because I have this illness I need to take extra special care of myself and cherish everyone and everything around me , as I say to myself there are people who are in worse situations then I have been in, it has taught me not to be so selfish and to think about other people , I believe I am like this I have experienced things that not too many people would have experienced in life , not to mention my dyslexia as a child I found school work very hard I had to learn differently , each and every individual on this planet has some form of disability and some form of gift , it is said that dyslexia is a gift , it teaches us to excel in area’s where the norm can’t go , and the same applies to my illness , the voices have taught me certain things that the norm could not have experienced , I think I have experienced another form of realities , with each psychosis and I have had plenty, I learn different things about myself about the world and about other people , and when I’m able to I can apply that learning to my life situations.

I have managed to take on various studies some I have been well enough to finish others I haven’t finished and others have just been to overwhelming, but what I have learnt is that I must try, I must be the best person I can possibly be, and I will not make the illness an excuse to just sit back and do nothing,

At present I am coping well with the aid of new medication the new medications are far better than the old ones they have less side effects and they are easier to use as technological advancements happen they are getting better and better. What I have learnt though is that some people seem to think the Illness is just attitude after surfing the net and talking to the doctors and actually experiencing the different medications it is far more than attitude it is a serious problem with the mind here is a link www.brainexplorer.org for you to have a look at or www.schitzoprenia.com

There is a great deal of research and information online about the conditions I am also diagnosed with clinical depression and I am taking anti depressants, from the research I have done in the past one cannot self medicate nor can they, even if they wanted to deal with this themselves, It does have to do with chemicals in the mind and electrical and chemical impulses that can only be dealt with by the right treatment

There is no cure but there is a control and personally I’d rather be in control than to be hay wire.

A compilation of uncensored real life experiences with Mental Illness.
GLIMPSES © 2007  For permission to use the content of this manuscript please contact Nicci Wall at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or fax +61 3 5222 6847
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