Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 28

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/joomsef/joomsef.php on line 29

Strict Standards: Declaration of JParameter::loadSetupFile() should be compatible with JRegistry::loadSetupFile() in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/libraries/joomla/html/parameter.php on line 512

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php:28) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/admintools/admintools/badbehaviour/screener.inc.php on line 9

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 24

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Strict Standards: Declaration of JRouterJoomsef::parse() should be compatible with JRouter::parse(&$uri) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 361

Strict Standards: Declaration of JRouterJoomsef::build() should be compatible with JRouter::build($url) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/components/com_sef/sef.router.php on line 361

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/rokextender/rokextender.php on line 32

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Strict Standards: Declaration of AdvancedModulesModelModule::validate() should be compatible with JModelForm::validate($form, $data, $group = NULL) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_advancedmodules/models/module.php on line 33

Strict Standards: Declaration of AdvancedModulesModelModule::cleanCache() should be compatible with JModel::cleanCache($group = NULL, $client_id = 0) in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_advancedmodules/models/module.php on line 33

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/hotlogin/hotlogin.php on line 57

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/advancedmodules/advancedmodules.php on line 122

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/mmbackground/mmbackground.php on line 98

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/hotlogin/hotlogin.php on line 88

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/ganalyticstrcode/ganalyticstrcode.php on line 32

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/administrator/components/com_ganalytics/util/dbutil.php on line 56

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 164

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 165

Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/system/jdownloads/jdownloads.php on line 174

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/plugins/content/fb_tw_plus1/fb_tw_plus1.php on line 43

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Caro’s story - WhatCausesMentalIllness.com
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Login

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Strict Standards: Only variables should be assigned by reference in /home/billbmn/public_html/wcmi1/modules/mod_roknavmenu/lib/AbstractJoomlaRokMenuFormatter.php on line 14

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FAQ  


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Word Cloud  


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Latest Additions  


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Glimpses

Caro’s story

Details

I am a self-harmer…

I am not a habitual self-harmer. I don’t feel the need to harm myself every day, or all the time, only when I become extremely stressed or when I am extremely angry and want to ‘let it out’ or sometimes just to ‘feel something’ when I am feeling no emotion at all.

I can only remember one incident of a feeble attempt at self-harm when I was in my teens. I think that my anger started when I went through puberty, and then reached its peak and I started to self-harm.

It was not until about 6 years ago (41 years old) when I was arguing with my husband after a family tea, and I became so angry that I broke a glass and cut both my arms. I went to Emergency at Sunshine Hospital where they treated me and put me in to the psychiatric ward for three days. I saw a psychiatrist on one occasion and that was it. When I was released I had no back up and came home and cut myself the next day.

I have cut out of frustration, and gone to seek medical help straight away because I am in need of help, not so much physically but mentally. In a way I suppose that is attention, but not ‘poor me’ attention, it is more like a ‘HELP ME!!!!’ attention.

I am usually a very patient person but I get very angry and do not know how to deal with this. I am not very good verbally and so I cannot argue back and I become extremely frustrated and take it out on myself.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar when I was in my thirties and then when I reached my forties I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after my one and only appointment with a new psychiatrist. After a lot of research on the subject, I decided that THIS diagnosis fitted me a lot more than Bipolar. My moods would change so many times throughout the day and I was having a lot of anger outbursts. I was endangering myself by walking down the road in the middle of the night, and pulling up in my car in the middle of roundabouts, which these things also endangered other people and was not a good thing.

My husband, is a big trigger towards these outbursts, and because when I am already so uptight and moody, the way in which he reacts towards me, or his binge drinking sends me over the top, and I self-harm. I do not want to hurt anyone physically, and so I hurt myself. Other times I just become so depressed or empty and if I cut myself it ‘feels better’ because it either takes the emphasis of the depression for a short time, or is a relief because I actually ‘feel’ something.

Christmases, Birthdays and other special occasions is another big trigger. I feel so out of control and overwhelmed and self-harm is something that brings me back to reality and calms me down.

I have spent hours upon hours sitting in the Sunshine Emergency Department in the hope that they would put me in to the psychiatric ward where I could feel safe from myself, only to be told to see my psychiatrist/counsellor and sent home to my angry husband and two worried children. On some of those occasions I had taken a lot of pills, cut myself, and even had consumed alcohol….and had to drive home again, when I really wanted…NEEDED to be kept safe from myself, and to spare my family the drama of it all.

Only twice in a period of about 4 years did I get put into the Sunshine psychiatric ward, and I was told that after 3 days both times I had to go home. I had nothing done as far as talking to anyone about my outbursts or self-harm and I had no back up when I returned home and self-harmed the next day.

At one stage I was seeing a psychiatrist who would only renew my prescriptions that the GP had originally started me on, and was no help at all to me and I was so angry at him when I finished my appointment I went into the waiting room and took a handful of valium. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance, and then sent home after a few hours.

I self-harm mainly by cutting, but have also injured myself by-burning my arm with the cigarette lighter in the car, pouring boiling water over my hands, slamming my hands in car doors etc. Sometimes I am in control of how I am doing it, but other times when I am so out of control, I just grab a knife and slice!!! Afterwards I feel a great sense of relief. I don’t feel guilty for doing it, and am not embarrassed by my scars or talking about it. This is who I am and how I cope. I don’t agree with what I do or have done, but this is me.

Christmas Eve 2009, I cut myself out of anger and cut way too deep, and had to rush to the medical clinic. The doctor called an ambulance to take me to hospital. I did actually become scared. I thought that I was going to bleed to death and I was shocked that I had actually gone so far. The staff at the hospital were fantastic, and I think that would have put me into the psych ward but I said that I wanted to go home to be with my family for Christmas. They let me go though, even though there was no one to collect me and I wandered around the hospital with no shoes on, in a blood soaked t-shirt and pants at midnight until I called a taxi to come and collect me.

I have not done it since then as seriously, but have done it. I have been trying different things to try to calm myself down before I reach the point of no return. Doing word puzzles and jigsaw puzzles seems to work, or reading a book takes my mind off ‘me’, but I still worry that if I start to get stressed or angry that it may completely take me over. When it happens it is like I am just ‘taken over’ by evil and it scares me. I am just concerned that if I hold off too long, I may go too far. I feel like doing it in ‘small doses’ to prevent a major ‘accident’.

Sometimes just attending Emergency at the hospital after a minor self-harm will place my focus on something else and I will calm down, but other times it can escalate it if I am treated like an inconvenience. Sometimes the staff will be extremely nice and caring, and try to help me calm down. The Catt Team has spoken to me on numerous occasions, but does very little.

My concerns are always for my children. My husband hates it when I cut myself and refuses to talk about it. His attitude makes me angry and I just want to harm myself more. I know it is hard for people who don’t do it to understand but it is like anything that people have a difference of opinion about except a lot of people just won’t even try to understand how it works. I have friends that I can talk to who don’t judge me, but talk about it with me instead of lecturing me.

A few people over the years have told me try using a rubber band around my wrist and flicking it when I feel the need to cut. This may work for some but does nothing for me!!

I have been seeing a counsellor for quite a few years, which has been one of my main sources of help. Because I spend an hour with her at a time she knows me better than any other mental health worker, and offers helpful advice. Even just talking to her makes me feel like I can survive for another fortnight until I see her again. I think it is good to have a good relationship with the person who is helping you with your mental status whether it is a GP, Psychiatrist, or any other caregiver; otherwise you are kidding yourself from the start and will not improve at all.

I am currently in an inpatient at the Melbourne Clinic in Richmond. I came in here because a Psychiatrist who I saw regarding my hormones and my moods suggested a changed in my medication that I had been on for many years. I had taken out private health cover a couple of years ago as I did NOT ever want to deal with a public hospital again so I got a referral from my GP and came here. I have been here for nearly five weeks, and could not fault the hospital or the staff. I have had two occasions when I felt like self-harming but I talked to a member of staff who was more than willing to sit down with me and listen to what I had to say, and waited until some medication I had been given started to work. I felt much better the following day and I was taken seriously and treated with the utmost respect.

I am leaving here in two days and I am taking home a lot of what I have learned…through groups etc. and am feeling comfortable enough that I will not feel the need to self-harm. Having said that, we never know what can happen, I will take it day by day, but I do know that I can ALWAYS be admitted back here if I do start to feel unsafe and want to self-harm, so that in itself is a preventative.

Also I have my counsellor and will start to put a lot of things into place when I get home in case of a setback, but I am hopeful that I am ready to deal with what life throws at me and be able to think before I react.

GLIMPSES © 2007 For permission to use the content of this manuscript please contact Nicci Wall at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or fax +61 3 5222 6847

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